Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος

Yesterday I spent all day nursing a backache that got steadily worse. Tried stretching, tried sleeping, tried relaxation techniques; kept thinking, "Well I used alcohol a couple of times in the past week already, so I don't want to do that, and it's not really bad enough to take narcotics, and besides, I don't really want to take the narcotics anyhow 'cause I've already relied on drugs (the aforementioned alcohol) this week." Also kept thinking, "Gee, if I just find the right position and rest a bit, it'll unkink enough that I can get some work done," and, "At least it's letting me sleep on and off for short periods today."

I didn't get much work done.

This morning (around 04:00) a back spasm threw me out of bed. I gave up and took some codeine. What I forgot yet again was that if I'm going to try to work, I need to hit the drugs at a lower pain level than I would for just being able to cope with being alive. Earning a living requires taking more drugs. If I'd given in and taken the pain meds yesterday morning, I probably would have finished the assignment that's due today by evening. I keep forgetting that trying to out-stubborn the pain doesn't work if I'm trying to get work done. (As it is, the drugs took the pain down a couple of notches, but it's still distracting and I still can't find a comfortable position in which to sit. My back still hurts enough to overwhelm the pain in my forearms and right hand, which are also bad.)

I really, really don't like this take-drugs-to-be-able-to-work situation.

On the other hand, I'm broke -- so broke that I'm not sure I can pay my electric bill and my HMO premium -- so I pretty much have to bring in some money now.

I've also got an emotional distraction, which I'm not going to write about just yet because anything I write while I'm feeling as acutely upset as I am right now will verge on psychodrama.

Now to try to make some progress on this research project while waiting for it to be safe to take another dose. (I'm alternating the codeine with Ultram. Sometimes I can break a cycle of escalating pain if I do that for about a day.)