Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος

"You can say to those you love, 'You've hurt me and I understand why.' You can make the space inside yourself to realize that reality is big enough to contain simultaneously both the love you feel for them and an honest accounting of the hurt they've done you. Love is not about never having to say you're sorry. The opposite is true: genuine love makes it possible to say I'm sorry and to know that together you'll move on from that place.

"When I am victimizing Becky, she can still empathize, understanding that I have been victimized. When I recognize that I am victimizing, I need to realize that I should be a little more careful. When she recognize that I have been victimized, she needs to be a little gentler. Instead, we usually run for cover with a good excuse. We assume that because our behavior can be explained, it is acceptable. Meanwhile the person on the receiving end of our impatience, insensitivity, or downright cruelty focuses only on his or her own hurt, afraid that understanding will facilitate repetition.

"Abnegating guilt and reneging on personal responsibility is always dangerous. So, too, is the fear that forgiveness will lead to forgetfulness or moral insensitivity. But that is what we do when we divide the world into victims and victimizers. We move quickly to identify the bad guys and the good guys, laying all blame at the feet of the first and assuming perfect innocence for the second. It's hard to imagine we can be both, but n almost every circumstance we are. Joseph and Esther are heroic figures, but the Bible doesn't whitewash their story. They are both victims and victimizers, and it's up to us to evaluate whether their balancing act is successful. That complexity is the stuff of real spiritual growth, of religious wisdom that endures and is worth preserving and learning from."

-- Rabbi Brad Hirschfield, You Don't Have to Be Wrong for Me to Be Right: Finding Faith Without Fanatacism (pp. 69-70, paperback ed.), 2007, Crown Publishing Group (Random House), New York, NY; LC: BL624.H53 ; Dewey: 201'.5-dc22 ; ISBN: 978-0-307-38298-6 (I've got like thirty four more bookmarks stuck in this book)

Tonight is the start of Yom Kippur. I wish my friends who observe it an easy fast. G'mar hatimah tovah.

Today is also National Coming Out Day. Everyone who can afford to be out and is so, affects the world a little bit by their visibility, demystifies us a bit in the eyes of those who might otherwise not know they know a BTLGQ person, and makes it a little safer for the next person who comes out -- brings the day when they can (and feel they can) afford to be out too a little closer. Being out as LGTBQ is less of a big deal now than it was a few decades ago, and visibility is a big part of that. The flip side of that is that although being out is less fraught now than a few decades ago, not everyone is physically or emotionally safe being out yet, and those who judge the risks still too great for their own circumstances must be protected, not pushed. It's National Coming Out Day, not National Out Everyone Day.

(If you're not GBTLQ and feel the need to "come out" as something jokey or ordinary that has no closet attached, well you do have the right to be an ass, but a lot of your queer friends will be happier if you just realize not every holiday has to be about you, and count your blessings at not having had to weigh fear against authenticity in that way.)

In the spirit of out-ness...

I don't think anyone reading this is unaware that I'm transgender. Many but far from all of you are aware that my gender identity (or which parts of it I've been able to admit to myself) has shifted over the years and a few years ago shifted again: I no longer see myself as being close to the middle of the gender graph, I prefer the pronoun she/her for myself^[*], I am tryng to choose a new name, I have started taking steps to alter my body and am planning to take additional steps (no, I haven't already decided exactly which steps yet, and yes, insurance coverage is a factor), and sooner or later I'll work up my nerve to lose the beard. (As for my orientation, it appears to be unchanged by HRT ... labels for my orientation are another matter, and probably a topic for another post. I also appear to still be a switch, FWIW, but haven't exactly had many opportunities to play in a while.)

[*] I currently say I "prefer" feminine pronouns (and have for a long time, but more people ask nowadays). Once I make my gender-presentation more consistent (not "ifwhen I 'pass'"; just when I stop sending mixed signals by having a beard), that language will change from "I prefer..." to simply "the correct pronoun for me is she/her". My calling it a preference now reflects how I see my particular current situation, not that any other trans person's pronoun is 'a mere preference'.