Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος

Craig Ferguson, on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (CBS), opening monologue, aired in the wee hours of 2006-12-13 (presumably recorded 2006-12-12) -- read the spoken parts in a Scottish accent if you can:

The opera is a little more accessible now, 'cause they use the [...] surtitles [...] They translate what's happening so you can know what the opera is about, which kinda wastes it, I think, really. 'Cause when you find out in The Marriage of Figaro what Figaro's singing, you're like, "nah, I'd rather not know." 'Cause what he sings [...] he comes out and he says:

[sung]

I am Figaro,
Better than you.
You suck,
I'm great.
I am --
Figaro.
Take that!
[bleeped] [gives audience the finger (pixellated for broadcast)]

He's like [interrupted by applause] That's what he does, that's what he does!

We can edit that out. We have all sorts of technology to deal with that. But that's what happens in the opera. It's all ... Figaro's all:

[sung, strutting around the stage, gesticulating]

I'm so great,
I'm a big fat great guy...

It's all bragging. Opera was kind of like the hip-hop of its day. See what I'm saying? It was all so "I'm so great". It's like:

[sung, more staccatto, with 'gang' hand gestures]

I'm Figaro, barbero,
Pimpero, playero.
Give me some sass
And I'll put a cap in your ass!

[Video of the whole monologue might still be available at the show's video clip page on the CBS web site (I hope). I'm not certain what plugin is needed to view the clips there. Blame spelling and transcription errors on me -- I transcribed it from videotape.]