Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος

(I could've sworn I had something more specific planned for this weekend, but I can't figure out what ... I know there are parties the next two weekends, and an out of town con and an out of town party and then it starts getting really close to Pennsic... Thinking carefully about both my spoons-budget and my odds of being able to pay for stuff, including gasoline. Wheee.)

This morning, feeling like I was losing my mind after the eighth or ninth time a leg cramp jolted me awake just as I was finally starting to nod off (and after the usual mineral supplements, pain meds, sell-massage, really tight elastiic bandages, and beating on my calves with an empty 750ml glass bottle I keep by the bed for just that purpose), I finally decided to experiment with an uncomfortable drug cocktail.

It worked. I slept. Now I feel halfway between hung-over and stoned, and wondering whether different drugs can undo both of those feelings enough for me to get out of the house and drive to Bowie before my mother's bedtime, so say a long overdue hello and see how she's doing after her eye surgery.

Or is adding any other chemical at this point, with the exception of ordinary foodstuffs, just asking for trouble?

I was feeling well and tryuly desparate for sleep last night, wondering whether the ER folks would a) laugh at me for ahowing up to complain about insomnia, or b) commit me if I asked whether amputation would solve the leg cramps or just continue them as phantom-limb effect. I had some leftover klonopin, which I can't use as intended because it changes my personality to someone neither I nor my friends like and makes me feel like I'm going crazy, but that took many doses ramping up over time, last time, so I decided I was desparate enough to try three grams as a one-shot and hope the psychiatric effects don't show up from a single dose. But if I punch anybody in the face, smash up a car or a television set, or unload a pile of vitriol of somebody who doesn't deserve it, remind me to flush the remaining pills down the toilet, okay?

(No, I'm not joking. I don't think this is likely from a single dose after years of not touching it and no plans to take it again any time soon, but if I'm wrong, those are the signs to watch out for. I didn't strike any person in that hellish summer when I was taking it regularly, but I did damage a bunch of relationships, punch a hole in a wall, smash all the windows of a car that had been frustrating me, and cross the line from vehemence to outright intimidation in an argument with a housemate. I was seriously not the me that folks who know me would recognize, and I hated it. I really thought I was headed for the loony bin until a pshrink identified a paradoxical reaction to the klonopin and had me taper off it -- when I got down to a quarter-milligram a day I felt like me again, and one of the first things I tell a new doctor or a hospital triage nurse is: no antidepresants, no klonopin, nothing that works on those pathways; you might as well label me 'allergic' to them if that's the surest way to make sure they don't get prescribed. So even trying it as a just-this-once dose reflects how deparate I was for sleep last night.)

So: Klonopin, a Requip tablet that I'm not supposed to have (and fear a bit because of the part of the brain it works on IIUC and my history of paradoxical reactions there), and I improvised a rolling paper to smoke the contents of a teabag (my reaction to xanthines[1] is coplicated and problematic, and also appears to depend on the delivery mechanism -- the intent was to have the soporific effect take effect quickly enough that the can't-fall-asleep effect would arrive too late to mess things up), along with an extra dose of ibuprofen and about 10cc alcohol (a bit under an ounce of clove-infused whisky -- though I was mostly soaking a toothache in that (I usually spit the clove-infused stuff, but I must have absorbed most of the alcohol through my gums) -- I might have tried taking enough to be relevant to the sleep issue, but for having such a tiny amount in the house and wanting to reserve it for toothache management until I can get more.

(Notes on dental anaesthetic options -- mouthwash: 25% alcohol, somewhat effective but not concentrated enough to really deaden an exposed nerve; Sensodyne toothpaste: works much better before things get to the point I'm at now, not so useful currently; rum: 35%, enough to numb the nerve a little if I can hit it directly but not enough for lasting effect or if it has to percolate through decayed enamel; whisky: 40%, enough to help even when it has to soak through gum or damaged enamel, very good for turning a nerve off for hours with a direct hit, burns quite a but on adjacent areas; viscous 20% benzocaine solution: pricey ... mildly effective indirectly but needs to be reapplied too often to be cost effective and numbs everything else it touches, leading to increased accidental cheeck biting, but with direct hit on exposed nerve can shut the thing down entirely for better part of a day, halleluliah -- also, no effect on BAC, so safe to use when I'm going to be driving later; powdered clove: effective and inexpensive, can stay on site a long time, but causes ulceration of soft tissue in the area; benzocaine/clove gel: fewest side effects, difficuly to get on target in some places, easiest to direct to target in other areas, pleasant taste, effect doesn't last very long.)

No, this did not strike me as an especially safe way to experiment, even at the time. I was feeling that desparate. It worked, sort of. I slept for enough hours to be able to tell that I had slept, waking groggy and achy and more dizzy than I've felt in a while. My head hurts, my legs still feel twitchy, and my back, shoulders, arms, and hands ache, but dammitt, I slept. Now the question is: what will it take (time? more meds?) to feel safe to drive down to Bowie this afternoon -- early enough to spent some time with my mom being awake, not just borrow her laundry machines and ask her for money -- in a car with marginal brakes. (I'd planned to go yesterday but it's just as well that I didn't, hearing the traffic reports about congestion caused by the weather.)

A morbid thought, meant not to frighten my friends but to reasure you (not that I can see a way of saying it that won't also frighten you: if I die way too early and the autopsy reveals that I had taken a fatal combination of drugs, I'd like it on the record that unless I leave a suicide note (very, very unlikely!) then the cause will neither have been intentional ssuicide nor careless recreational use, but rather the result of knowingly mixing dangerous combinations in a desperate attempt to get effective results from what chemicals I had access to. Less stupidity than desparation. But I sincerely hope it never comes to that, and after I die a non-stupid death at an extremely advanced age, this parargraph can be written off as my being melodramatic on a day when I'm fighting dizziness and headache and frustration. Still, I wanted it out there to refer to just in case the "why did she do something so stupid?" questions ever do come up when I'm no longer around to answer them.

Of course, what I really want is for doctors to find me solutions to the pain, the leg cramps and jerks, and the general insomnia, that are safe and effective for me. The sleep aids I've tried have, at best, worked for three nights in a row and then never again.

Anyhow...

*sigh* Now to see whether 50mg of meclizine, an antihistamine, and a dozen ounces of a strong basil+lavender tea will act well and quickly enough for me to feel competent to drive down to visit Mom. Before it gets to be too late in the day to count as a proper visit. Wish me luck.

[1] Xanthines -- the general class of drugs of which caffeine is the best-known member; often all referred to as caffeine, incorrectly. Other common examples are theophylline, found in tea, which was what I smoked last night; and theobromine, the much weaker xanthine (I see citations that it is "one seventh as powerful" as the others), which appears in chocolate. As do most people, I react very similarly to theophylline and caffeine, in that either will make me feel drowsy, either can be useful in treating a migraine, either can produce classic stimulant effects of increased heart rate and respiration despite making my brain feel sleepy, and either can give me a mild headache if I didn't start out with one; but the "cannot fall asleep even though it made me drowsy" effect is slightly less with theophylline (still potent enough to warrant avoiding it in general), and theophylline can ease breathing difficulties in a way that caffeine does not appear to (which isn't just me -- that's consistent with what I've read about theophylline). The only effect I notice from ordinary consumption of theobromine is that the cravings for it go away for a little while, but in absurd quantities it has acted as a mild stimulant and resulted in my producing short stories that readers found intriguingly disturbing.