Question on deadnames. If I am telling a story about doing something with you in the 80s or early 90s, which should I use? I find that I tend to remember your deadname from then as part of the stories and experiences (e.g. when you lectured in the class I was taking). I find that I am getting better (sorry, it does take time) of thinking of you with your currentname first and remembering the other later.
First, the general rule: consistently refer to a trans person by their current name & gender even when discussing events from before they transitioned. On an individual basis different trans people will have different preferences for you you refer to their past, but the safest approsach unless you know otherwise is to use current name & pronoun even when talking about the past. (Note that journalists often get this wrong.)
Second, about me personally: even though I know it can feel a little odd, especially for folks who've known me as long as you have, I too would indeed prefer to be Daphne even in old stories; currently I'm kindasorta okay with old friends using my old name for old stories when the story would seem really strange otherwise, like if the way Jeannine used to say my name when exasperated is part of the story, and the story is being told aloud, but ... well, my comfort with that may change as I go on, and even now I'd prefer to be consistently Daphne. I'll grant that editing dialogue in stories is the weirdest part of this change. Also, though the reason for this is kinda vague, I'm less comfortable with my deadname being used in text, especially on social media.
Third, about it being hard to think of me first as Daphne but getting better at it: yeah, that's an adjustment. I'm pretty sure that would be a lot easier if we were seeing each other face to face often. It does seem to have gone faster for folks who I saw more often before the pandemic, and perhaps also for the folks I've been talking to on the phone, just from practice at using my name. I do appreciate the effort. hug
Partly, this is about wanting my name to just be my name. Partly it connects to complicated questions about having control over degrees of out-ness/visibility, which would be very simple questions if not for how extremely visible everyone who knows me is used to me being. That part is actually confusing to me, TBH -- an unexpected cluster of feelings I wasn't expecting from having changed my name and appearence. I'll try to explore those in the future, when I understand my own reactions a little better. But given the footprints I've left all over the Internet in previous decades, that's more about controlling first impressions than trying to be "stealth" in any given environment.
Thank you for the detailed reply. I can try, just as those of you who knew me before my name change had to get used to the new name. However, I will admit that I took quite awhile before doing my legal name change.
I do have a follow-up, if a person acquired the rights to a piece of work (e.g. music) written by a person who then changes name (Trans or otherwise), the rights are still transitioned but the paperwork/credit might get messy. I know that I have to occasionally produce the legal paperwork of my name change from the court to document the legal threads. So if Cher had written a song before becoming Cher (assuming that wasn't her birth name but I have no idea) and sold the rights to it to Motown. The Chessie Bays found the song in a catalog, pay ASCAP fees, and perform it with the credit to CherBirthName (which is the name it is in the catalog under). How much trouble should they be in? Who is responsible for updating author information after name changes (for whatever reason)?
Personally, the idea that shows up in various guises of people choosing a name as part of becoming an adult makes a LOT of sense and would make the whole DeadName issue much easier for people to adapt to, especially if the birth names are 'child' names rather than 'adult' names. Feather becomes Walter, Sundrop becomes Samantha, etc..
(no subject)
(no subject)
First, the general rule: consistently refer to a trans person by their current name & gender even when discussing events from before they transitioned. On an individual basis different trans people will have different preferences for you you refer to their past, but the safest approsach unless you know otherwise is to use current name & pronoun even when talking about the past. (Note that journalists often get this wrong.)
Second, about me personally: even though I know it can feel a little odd, especially for folks who've known me as long as you have, I too would indeed prefer to be Daphne even in old stories; currently I'm kindasorta okay with old friends using my old name for old stories when the story would seem really strange otherwise, like if the way Jeannine used to say my name when exasperated is part of the story, and the story is being told aloud, but ... well, my comfort with that may change as I go on, and even now I'd prefer to be consistently Daphne. I'll grant that editing dialogue in stories is the weirdest part of this change. Also, though the reason for this is kinda vague, I'm less comfortable with my deadname being used in text, especially on social media.
Third, about it being hard to think of me first as Daphne but getting better at it: yeah, that's an adjustment. I'm pretty sure that would be a lot easier if we were seeing each other face to face often. It does seem to have gone faster for folks who I saw more often before the pandemic, and perhaps also for the folks I've been talking to on the phone, just from practice at using my name. I do appreciate the effort. hug
Partly, this is about wanting my name to just be my name. Partly it connects to complicated questions about having control over degrees of out-ness/visibility, which would be very simple questions if not for how extremely visible everyone who knows me is used to me being. That part is actually confusing to me, TBH -- an unexpected cluster of feelings I wasn't expecting from having changed my name and appearence. I'll try to explore those in the future, when I understand my own reactions a little better. But given the footprints I've left all over the Internet in previous decades, that's more about controlling first impressions than trying to be "stealth" in any given environment.
(no subject)
I do have a follow-up, if a person acquired the rights to a piece of work (e.g. music) written by a person who then changes name (Trans or otherwise), the rights are still transitioned but the paperwork/credit might get messy. I know that I have to occasionally produce the legal paperwork of my name change from the court to document the legal threads. So if Cher had written a song before becoming Cher (assuming that wasn't her birth name but I have no idea) and sold the rights to it to Motown. The Chessie Bays found the song in a catalog, pay ASCAP fees, and perform it with the credit to CherBirthName (which is the name it is in the catalog under). How much trouble should they be in? Who is responsible for updating author information after name changes (for whatever reason)?
Personally, the idea that shows up in various guises of people choosing a name as part of becoming an adult makes a LOT of sense and would make the whole DeadName issue much easier for people to adapt to, especially if the birth names are 'child' names rather than 'adult' names. Feather becomes Walter, Sundrop becomes Samantha, etc..