Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος

"The ice age is coming, the sun is zooming in
Engines stop running and the wheat is growing thin
A nuclear error, but I have no fear
London is drowning-and I live by the river"

Hmm. I don't think this CD was meant to be listened to at such a low volume... Oh well; I don't feel like cranking it up and bothering the neighbours. And I didn't feel like going downstairs to find my LP of the Liquid Sky soundtrack, which would fit my mood even better. London Calling is close enough for now.

"I say baby, baby, can't you hear my plea?
C'mon, sugar, just come on back to me"

The weather and other factors combined to crush my plans for this evening. I often fail to cope well with sudden changes in plans, especially when it means not doing something I'd been looking forward to and feeling a little nervous about at the same time. So I'm all in a knot and feeling messed up and depressed. And I sort of want to babble about it in more detail here, but there's a twist: I'm pretty sure the other person involved is reading my LiveJournal, so anything I say here that I didn't say on the phone earlier winds up being a funny kind of back-door communication, risks coming across as being manipulative, and in fact feels manipulative even from this end as I contemplate it. The more so since she values plain-speaking. So I'm doing this all upside-down and inside-out, first meta-talking about how I'm talking. Gee, I've even managed to confuse myself already.

"So if you're gonna take a message 'cross this town
Maybe put it down somewhere over the other side
See it gets to Jimmy Jazz"

Part of the problem is that I'm upset -- because of my disappointment -- at the person who cancelled the evening, but that's not fair because cancelling our plans was the completely reasonable response to the surrounding circumstances. So I want to say, "Gee, I didn't like that; it upset me," but at the same time, it's not a decision I can rationally -- or fairly -- criticize, so I don't want to say anything that sounds like I'm assigning blame for the way I feel now. So I want to say something so she knows how I feel, but I don't want to say anything because I know I'm being unreasonable. Okay, I guess I really started off confused even before the paragraph before this one.

"I've lost my memory
My mind? Behind!
I can't see so clearly"

Come to think of it, I'm not going to pull things apart here any further than that. I'll just leave it at the level of a state-of-the-Glenn report: my plans got scrozzled, I'm way disappointed, I'm seriously bummed on acount of the combination of that disappointment and some related insecurity, and I'm at a loss for how to talk out my feelings and the underlying issues without a) being perceived as or actually being manipulative, and/or b) coming across as too needy. A problem to try to solve later, but wow, I really wish I weren't about to go out of town for a week, 'cause I didn't want to leave this just sitting there, y'know?

"I went to the market to realize my soul
'Cause what I need I just don't have
First they curse then they press me 'til I hurt
I say Rudy can't fail"

What I really want right now is simply to be held. To have someone who means something to me hold me and stroke my hair and make soothing noises until I feel better. Well, scratch the "right now" part of that -- it's what I've been wanting for quite some time. It's just that right now I'm not thinking as much about the other things I want at the same time.

"I'm all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
I came in her for that special offer
A guaranteed personality"

Y'know, perhaps posting while overreacting to disappointment is as dangerous as posting while drunk. Not that I plan on doing the other half of that experiment any time soon to compare...

"How death or glory becomes just another story
How death or glory becomes just another story"

Thing is, I know that feeling disappointed and a little blue is a perfectly reasonable reaction to not getting to do something I'd been looking forward to, but I also know that my reaction is a little beyond that -- not at the "gee, what a psycho" level, but not really quite in proportion, either. It's a pattern I've noticed in myself over the past several years. I guess I've got "issues".

"London calling, yeah, I was there, too
An' you know what they said? Well, some of it was true!"