Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος

As expected, I didn't get much done today. After the long day I had yesterdaySunday, and the frequency of migraines lately, that's not a big surprise. But I've had a bunch of thoughts in my head to write down, and I keep not getting to those either, so I'm gonna do really quick passes at 'em now...

CRUSH MEME: I filled out that silly LJ-crush form. I don't think I ever got around to posting anything about it at the time, partly because I wasn't sure how much point there was in saying "I have this many secret crushes", partly because I wasn't really sure how to classify some ... emotional situations, and partly, I confess, because I was a little peeved that gender was on there without an "other" option. (Seems to me that gender wasn't all that relevant unless they were planning to try to deduce orientation or had some other unstated purpose in mind, and if they were going to ask the question, they should include "other" as an option. Ideally both "other" and "no response" as options.)

Here's the thing: there are folks on my friends list (and not on my friends list) I have varying degrees and flavours of interest in. Several whom I think are cute and would quite enjoy spending all night kissing and throwing ideas back and forth with, but there isn't that tightening-of-the-chest feeling that makes it a crush. A bunch more whom I might feel that way (or stronger) about if I had a chance to get to know them as well as I'd like, but I'm certainly not there yet. A few I've only met via their words online (LJ and email) who Definitely Have My Interest, but I can't call them crushes ... but if they're looking for who's interested in them, I'd count. And one I'm currently romanticaly involved with and at least one ex-girlfriend, whom I don't think of as "crush" and "ex-crush" because those Relationships have gone well beyond "mere crush" levels of involvement. Then there's the crush I don't talk about but that I'm pretty sure most people have guessed, and the one that I'm pretty sure most people haven't guessed but I suspect the person I have the crush on noticed anyhow -- are those "secret" or not? -- and the one that I've revealed to the crush-object but try not to make noticeable in general, and one where I've core-dumped to mutual friends and I don't know whether any of them have passed along the info or not. Which of these are "secret"? What about the ex-crush to whom I'm still extremely attracted but no longer feel quite crushy about after a decade or so of knowing she's not interested in me? And the very special loving relationships that English doesn't have good words for, which seem too significant to just leave out, but aren't crushes?

To be honest, I don't remember exactly how I responded when I filled out that form. I did want to go back and think about my answers more, but I never got around to it.

Now I can look up where it says three people have secret crushes on me, one has a public crush, and two used to have crushes on me. And yes, Hell yes, I am curious. Most of all, I want to know whether any of the secret crushes are from someone I've got a Massive Crush on, but I'm also curious as to whether I might be able to guess who the other three are. (I also wonder whether the two ex-crushes are folks I knew about at the time, or -- much more likely -- crushes I was annoyingly oblivious to at the time ... I've got quite the track record of not noticing in time that someone I liked was interested in me, until they've gotten over me and moved on.) But this "hey I'll tell you other people's 'secret' answers after all" thing a bit ... sleazy. Tacky. And as much as I want to know, I'd feel slimy paying the four bucks and taking a peek.

Short, Shameful Confession: I did plug in names of folks I'm interested in, to see how many other people had crushes on them. Two surprised me, having one secret crush each, which either means I've got very refined tastes, or that the meme didn't propogate far into that particular circle of friends. Or that the rest of the people who like them were too dignified to fill in the silly form in the first place -- more dignified than I. I honestly expected each to have a long list of secret and public admirers. One of the Boston crowd attracted a total of 8.4 crushes, which I find quite believable, especially if the rest of the folks have seen her at breakfast. Does looking this up, knowing I was safe from seeing any names attached, make me slimy, or just curious?

I honestly don't expect any of the people I admitted to feeling crushy about to pay the four dollars and see my name, but there's still the knowledge that the information is available ... and more importantly, that because of the way the form was phrased, if anyone does look it up, they might get an imprecise result which could confuse things. I'm less worried about the people for whom my answers are unconfusing finding out, even if they didn't know already, because it's usually my shyness or a feeling that mentioning my feelings would be inappropriate that causes me to keep such things secret, but if they "ask", that's different.

As others have said: if you're wondering whether I have a crush on you. Ask me. My LiveJournal email address works, or you can write directly to dglenn@radix.net (which is where dglenn@livejournal.com forwards anyhow). I'll be honest. But I might be more honest that you want me to be. I'm more worried about confusing information being out there than "secret" information being available.

FRIDAY FIVE: As usual, I'm not getting to the Friday Five on a Friday, but whenever I get around to answering one that I find interesting.

1. Do you watch sports? If so, which ones?
   I don't watch any sports religiously, but when my schedule permits, I really do like to watch professional American football. (I'm interested in seeing Canadian football and Australian-rules football, but I don't have cable.) And when I'm in the mood and it's on, figure skating and women's tennis may hold my attention. A recent channel-surfing accident got me interested in "gravity games" (mostly the inline vertical) -- it's too early to tell whether that interest will last. I've seen one or two soccer games on the telly that were worth watching, but they had non-US camera crews; usually I can't watch soccer on the tube because the action makes no sense. Unfortunately the only sporting events I get to in person these days are battles and tourney-fighting at Pennsic and Markland fighter-practice. I don't often stick around to watch, but once in a while I'll do so and enjoy it. When I was a kid, I used to watch college football and basketball, both on television and in person (at the University of Maryland, where my father worked). I'll watch random bits and pieces of the Olympics. Oh, and if I'm at home on a weekend afternoon in season, I'll tune in auto racing (IRL and NASCAR -- I keep expecting to like the Grand-Prix stuff and sports cars, but something is missing and I haven't figured out what). But I may channel-flip back and forth between that and something else. I'd like to sit down with friends who really understand the nuances and learn what I should be looking at to really appreciate the sport. One of these days I want to go watch a local women's football match.
2. What/who are your favourite sports teams and/or favourite athletes?
   The Baltimore Ravens (football), The Washington Redskins (football), and the Wiliams sisters (tennis). I could name some individual basketball players who were my favourites, but none are still playing, as far as I know. (Didn't McMillan and Lucas make a good pair for the Terps?) I was sad to see Darrell Green (Redskins cornerback) retire. I'm starting to like Jamal Lewis.
3. Are there any sports you hate?
   To watch? There are some that bore me. I won't sit still for golf for very long, nor fishing (nor, usually, bowling). And I have never understood the allure of baseball on televisin or radio. Many years ago a friend did drag me to a baseball game, and I finally understood the point of watching baseball in the stands (not something I yearn for, but I understand now), but it still seems boring as sin on television and only slightly more interesting on the radio. To play? I dunno ... probably. There are some that are okay to play that I hate to watch, such as baseball (not high on my list, but more pleasant than unpleasant, as I recall). I'm not a big fan of ice hockey, but that has more to do with not being a sufficiently educated viewer to get enough out of it yet.
4. Have you ever been to a sports event?
   Several college football and basketball games, a couple colege soccer, and lacrosse games. High school soccer, lacrosse, and field hockey. Battles and tourneys at Pennsic. Local SCA tourneys, including an "exotic weapons" tourney in Storvick a long time ago. Markland frat tourney. One professional baseball game (an "old timers" game) and a couple of softball games. Professional box lacrosse. I think I went to a professional ice hockey game once a very long time ago, but my memory is fuzzy on that account. Ring jousting (the Maryland state sport) a couple of places, and full-contact jousting at the Maryland Renaissance Festival. And I've watched folks playing polo on the Mall in DC, but I don't know whether it was an organized game or a pick-up funsies match. As noted above, I haven't been to anything other than Markland/SCA fighting in a long time.
5. Do/did you play any sports (in school or other)? How long did you play? Uh, just organized sports, or do recurring pick-up games count?
   • Organized team sports: soccer (grades 7-9 and grade 12, intramural in college two years); field hockey (soccer team versus hockey team at the end of each season); floor hockey (intramural, college, one or two years); basketball (intramural, college, one or two years); volleyball (intramural, college, less than one season); water polo (likewise); four-child backyard tackle football (we tried to start our own neighbourhood league -- two or three years).
   • Required participation but no established teams: kickball, dodgeball (Montessori); soccer, volleyball, basketball, softball (high school)
   • Funsies: Markland frat fighting (once), "boffer" sword fighting (lost track of how many years); basketball (uh, on and off for a dozen years?); softball, baseball, whiffleball (on and off for a long time); frisbee golf (a couple of times); ultimate frisbee (once or twice); dodgeball (a whole lot -- several variants -- I was good at dodgeball); soccer (about eight years); tackle football (until I got big enough that I should've been wearing pads); touch football (uh ... four years? Hated the two-completions rule for a first down 'cause it discouraged running plays, grudgingly got used to a four-mississippi rush); marathon four-square (in high heels -- and some of us were taking it pretty darned seriously); table tennis (maybe six or seven years -- much better as a comedian than as a scorer, alas); bowling (a few times); bicycle racing (against neighbour kids, don't remember how long); live-steel broadsword at 1/4 or 1/2 speed, pulling blows (a couple years); tennis (don't remember how long -- a few years I think); and I keep feeling like I've forgotten something.
   I never actually played lacrosse, but I did learn (sort of) how to handle a lacrosse stick, and I used to own a defenseman's stick -- I didn't have the wind for that much running,

Wow, I really miss playing soccer. And pick-up basketball. And I'm too big to do it safely without equipment (and probably too fragile to do with safely with equipment), but I also miss that really, really satisfying feeling of bringing someone down with a flying tackle in American football. Damn, but that used to feel good. So did that feeling of hitting exactly the right stride on the soccer field so that it felt like I was flying instead of running. My legs twitch and a whimper comes to my throat thinking about how good that used to feel. Or the intense satisfaction of taking a rebound away from someone else on the basketball court. I wasn't great, but I had just enough of the fine moments to show me what it could feel like. And the feeling of coming out of a forceful parry into a cut that slaps my boffer sword into my opponent's ribs ... niiiice.

I always wanted to learn how to pole-vault. But I never did. I also wanted to learn fencing, but by the time anyone showed me how, I discovered I had a lot of broadsword reflexes to unlearn. I'm not used to thinking of two inches (5cm) as a "wide" miss instead of a narrow escape.

YESTERDAYSUNDAY: I started the day underslept. For the first gig (Thrir Venstri Foetr at the Hastings Faire) we were understaffed, but the PA system helped quite a bit with that. The day was warmer than I expected. I took a short nap in the van in a parking lot between that and my evening gig, which was a wedding. The wedding was held in a tiny cafe in Greenbelt, which was impossibly crowded but otherwise pretty cool. Becky (a fiddler from The Homespun Ceilidh Band) and I were the whole band. I'd said before that yesterdaySunday was a long day, and it was, but while we were playing, time seemed to fly by extremely quickly. Two and a half hours, and it felt like an hour, except that my fingertips were too tender for it to have only been an hour. Becky seemed much more relaxed than I usually see her, and appeared to be having fun. Apart from one tune in which I kept screwing up the C#m chord, I think we sounded pretty hot, too. We went amplified for the second half, and I wasn't too fond of the sound of my guitar through the wee speaker, but apparently I was the only one who minded. It was fun watching the guests trying to converse but unable to resist bouncing in their seats in time to the music while doing so. Alas there was no room for any actual dancing.

I spent most of today recovering from yesterdaySunday. As expected (though I somehow misplaced yesterday, despite having posted something I think). And the money from the wedding gig means I can pay my phone bill this month after all.

ODDS AND ENDS: The weather went through its "open the windows to air out the house and it's okay to leave the chocolate out of the fridge" spell, and proceeded to "close the damned windows and put some clothes on" temperatures quickly enough to make me nervous about what this winter will be like (because I still haven't paid my heating-oil bill from last winter yet). But the last few days it warmed up again, all the way to "turn some fans back on". Unfortunately somebody in a back yard a house or two away was smoking over the weekend, so with a window open, I got to smell cigarette smoke in my house. It was disconcerting at first -- I wondered if I'd left something on the stove -- until I caught enough of it to realize it was tobacco and get annoyed. But what am I going to do? I don't think I can tell people not to smoke in their own back yard. I can tell them not to smoke on my front step, but I can't reasonably try to dictate what they do in their own yard on on the rest of the sidewalk.

Perrine is not eating. I served her the "wrong" food, you see. (She didn't seem to have "food issues" when she arrived, but she's gotten used to the fancy food that anniemal gave me, and nothing else will do.) So she sniffs at the food dish and walks away. Or if I "do something" to the food (pick it up, stir it noisily, add one or two pieces of a different kind, put it back down) she'll eat half a mouthful and walk away. Eventually she'll get hungry enough to go ahead and eat it. Admittedly this is food someone else donated because their cat refused it, but on my budget I really don't want it to go to waste, and it doesn't seem to be unhealthy food (though not, according to anniemal, as healthy as the stuff she gave me), so I figure eventually my darling kitty will get hungry enough to eat it anyhow. It's been about three days. I finally picked it up and put it in a plastic tub to get it away from the ants, and maybe after looking at an empty food dish for a while she'll decide it's interesting enough when I put it back.

I did give her a pouch of moist-food-with-gravy last week, and she attacked it with great gusto. Except that when I looked later, I noticed that she'd licked up all the gravy and left behind all the chunks. Oh well. She's also been frustrated with my insomnia lately. She does the "try to lead me to the bedroom" thing, and after a while she jumps up on the chair next to mine in the office, glares at me, then curls up to sleep within arm's reach. But she's back to her earlier pattern of spending an hour on the bed with me then going away to spend the rest of the night elsewhere when I finally do go to bed. Last week and the week before, she was spending more of the night on the bed, near my feet.

On the other hand, she has actually slept closer to my waist a couple of nights recently. And I didn't even roll over on her very many times.

I still haven't picked up groceries -- I was too tired last nightSunday night and all of yesterday after the gig, and today I haven't felt up to leaving the house. I have to try to convince myself I'm feeling well enough to go to rehearsal tonight though, and try to go grocery shopping on the way home. I have to. I have a teaspoon of cocoa powder left, and no bar chocolate at all. Which means when the next craving hits, I destroy the kitchen unless I pick up chocolate tonight. (If I get a chocolate craving without any chocolate in the house, I start eating everything else in the kitchen as though expecting it to transform itself into chocolate in my stomach. So I wipe out what little food I have left, eat way too much, and remain unsatisfied and edgy. It's much less fattening (and cheaper) to just make sure I don't run out of chocolate. Addiction really sucks. Thank God alcohol and opiates haven't hooked me the way theobromine has -- I don't seem to have any problem with those. But it's probably a good thing I've never tried nicotine.)

Someone my mother knows is bringing a friend and fixing my roof this weekend. They're going to start Friday, then come back Saturday morning. I've got a performance in Frederick Saturday evening (I have no idea how I'm going to get there), but the plan is to start early enough that morning that by the time I have to leave they'll be tired enough to want to stop for the day anyhow. I really like the idea of not having a leaky roof any more. I just hope that the water hasn't done structural damage already. And I have no idea when I'll be able to get the cosmetic damage to the ceiling repaired. Paying for the roof is rather a bit of a stretch for Mom, and I'm not making ends meet on my own bills even with her help. But first things first, and stopping the leak is a lot more important than making the ceiling look pretty again.

theferrett has said a lot of interesting things lately that have inspired me to write at length, but each of those topics really wants a more awake D'Glenn to focus on them and actually compose what I want to say (unlike this assortment of basically thrown-together mini-brain-dumps). And that's on top of the topics I've thought of all on my own that I want to expound on that I haven't gotten around to. I might get to some of those this week; I might not. I might get around to stringing a network cable to the green bedroom, or not. I might sort some of the stuff in the living room or get the Pennsic stuff in the dining room put away. But don't count on any of that. Right now I feel lucky to have finally caught up on the dishes again, and I've got stuff I really need to get done at the keyboard. But man, I want to write.

I need to get around to writing two of the porn story ideas that have been in the back of my head for the past two years. I suddenly feel like I might be able to manage the dialogue (my biggest insecurity as a writer).