I guess I think of artists who make money from their art as "working", and artists who merely make pretty, sometimes culturally important, things as "playing". Pretty twisted, huh?
Well, it seems to me that it says even more about your negative attitude toward "playing" than your negative attitude toward "art". :)
So I have to "give myself permission" to go make art.
No, I don't think that's really adequate. So long as art is something you have to give yourself permission to make, you're buying into a value paradigm which is going to thwart you. I recommend skipping "permission" and going all the way to "a responsibility".
After all, that's what makes being in a band such a liberating way to make music for beginners, compared to studying solo. When someone just takes lessons, it's something they do for themselves, so they see it as a treat. When someone joins a band, their pursuit of music becomes a responsibility to other people and themselves. You don't think of practicing as something you need to give yourself "permission" to do, do you?
Laurie Riley wrote a great little book about studying the harp, in which she described a profound realization she had about her own approach to harp in the early part of her study. She had wanted to be a harpist for a long time, so she thought of practicing as a "treat". Accordingly, she put practicing after all her responsibilities as a mother and an employee, and often it fell off the end of her day. Finally, she realized what she was doing; she had prioritized herself out of ever being a harpist, because she didn't take her aspirations seriously to feel she had a responsibility to them. I recommend finding a harper friend and asking if they have a copy you could read so you can see the passage for yourself; recommend the book to them if they don't have it. ;)
Even if you aren't planning on making a career or a serious hobby out of a given art, I think you need to take seriously your yearning to be an artist-craftsman, as an expression of your personality and one role of many in your identity. Taking it seriously means allocating time and energy to it, and calculating it into your budgets for both. You might not prioritize it as highly as any particular other thing, but that would be a conscious decision, instead of reflexively dismissing it as unworthy.
Something else to think about. Another responsibility upon all adults is to fearlessly examine the facts of their lives, to confront whether they are in deed living in accord with their values, and to strive earnestly to bring their way of living into accord with their values.
So the question before you is, "What are your values?" Do you value authenticity in being? If you value being authentic in the expression of yourself, then, as I see it, you have a positive moral responsibility to incorporate your artistic side into your modus vivendi, as a regular practice. Do you value art as a human endeavor? Do you value creativity? Do you value playfulness? Do you value self-improvement through application and study? What, in your mind, constitutes a life well lived?
'Well, it seems to me that it says even more about your negative attitude toward "playing" than your negative attitude toward "art". :)'
[ponders]
Huh. It does, at that. And I don't like what it says. Ick. How did I get here? (Actually I think I know...)
The comparison to music, and what you said about playing in a band, are spot on. I don't feel guilty for practicing my solo stuff, or composing, but it's because I've gotten used to practicing for the bands and thinking of that as "responsible". And when that starts to wear off, I can tell myself that any practice I do as an instrumentalist makes me better for playing with the band, even if I'm practicing different material.
I still have trouble making the time to work on personal solo recording projects though, and I need to get over that.
'You might not prioritize it as highly as any particular other thing, but that would be a conscious decision, instead of reflexively dismissing it as unworthy.'
*nod* I obviously wasn't thinking that way when I wrote this entry, but you're right. I've bought into the messages of my culture too much, and let myself be distracted by "what I have to get done" too long, and have drifted away from my priorities. I do remember a time when I was too busy working a day job (long hours for a consulting startup) to have time to play my guitar, and how unhappy that made me. And here I am doing something similar to myself. On a smaller scale, but doing it to myself nonetheless. Ouch.
Now if I can manage not to literally starve while getting back to Me ...
What you said about making my life and activities consonant with my values hit home painfully. I've got that in some aspects of my life, but I've fallen short in ways that would disappoint the self of twenty years ago, in other aspects. (That sort of thought was part of my working up the courage to start dressing the way I want to, way back when.)
'What, in your mind, constitutes a life well lived?'
And there, really, is the rub. It's so easy to keep putting off the whole-life-important things in order to take care of the right-now-urgent ones, that one can hit middle age wondering why one hasn't gotten around to the things one wants to be able to look back on when old age finally arrives. Some delayed-gratification is nessecary, of course, but "moderation in all things means moderation in moderation too." And it's too easy to lose sight of the prize (the well-lived life) in the process of taking care of the details.
Now to work on unlearning the culturally-approved reflexes. so that these decisions can be conscious and intentional again.
Your points were painful, but I thank you. I owe you.
I hope not too painful. My aim was not to make you feel like you were failing in a duty, but to feel Annointed, Chosen for a sacred charge; not to feel burdened with more shoulds and oughts, but liberated by a higher calling.
It occurs to me that you do not realize what an extraordinary person you are. That is a problem because the particular sort of extraordinary person you are is not nourished in the soul by an ordinary life. The little triumphs of ordinary daily living will leave you malnurished if you attempt to subsist on them. The purpose of doing deeply gratifying things is not merely pleasure; they are the bread of your soul. They give you strength and vitality. ’
(no subject)
"playing". Pretty twisted, huh?
Well, it seems to me that it says even more about your negative attitude toward "playing" than your negative attitude toward "art". :)
So I have to "give myself permission" to go make art.
No, I don't think that's really adequate. So long as art is something you have to give yourself permission to make, you're buying into a value paradigm which is going to thwart you. I recommend skipping "permission" and going all the way to "a responsibility".
After all, that's what makes being in a band such a liberating way to make music for beginners, compared to studying solo. When someone just takes lessons, it's something they do for themselves, so they see it as a treat. When someone joins a band, their pursuit of music becomes a responsibility to other people and themselves. You don't think of practicing as something you need to give yourself "permission" to do, do you?
Laurie Riley wrote a great little book about studying the harp, in which she described a profound realization she had about her own approach to harp in the early part of her study. She had wanted to be a harpist for a long time, so she thought of practicing as a "treat". Accordingly, she put practicing after all her responsibilities as a mother and an employee, and often it fell off the end of her day. Finally, she realized what she was doing; she had prioritized herself out of ever being a harpist, because she didn't take her aspirations seriously to feel she had a responsibility to them. I recommend finding a harper friend and asking if they have a copy you could read so you can see the passage for yourself; recommend the book to them if they don't have it. ;)
Even if you aren't planning on making a career or a serious hobby out of a given art, I think you need to take seriously your yearning to be an artist-craftsman, as an expression of your personality and one role of many in your identity. Taking it seriously means allocating time and energy to it, and calculating it into your budgets for both. You might not prioritize it as highly as any particular other thing, but that would be a conscious decision, instead of reflexively dismissing it as unworthy.
Something else to think about. Another responsibility upon all adults is to fearlessly examine the facts of their lives, to confront whether they are in deed living in accord with their values, and to strive earnestly to bring their way of living into accord with their values.
So the question before you is, "What are your values?" Do you value authenticity in being? If you value being authentic in the expression of yourself, then, as I see it, you have a positive moral responsibility to incorporate your artistic side into your modus vivendi, as a regular practice. Do you value art as a human endeavor? Do you value creativity? Do you value playfulness? Do you value self-improvement through application and study? What, in your mind, constitutes a life well lived?
(no subject)
[ponders]
Huh. It does, at that. And I don't like what it says. Ick. How did I get here? (Actually I think I know...)
The comparison to music, and what you said about playing in a band, are spot on. I don't feel guilty for practicing my solo stuff, or composing, but it's because I've gotten used to practicing for the bands and thinking of that as "responsible". And when that starts to wear off, I can tell myself that any practice I do as an instrumentalist makes me better for playing with the band, even if I'm practicing different material.
I still have trouble making the time to work on personal solo recording projects though, and I need to get over that.
'You might not prioritize it as highly as any particular other thing, but that would be a conscious decision, instead of reflexively dismissing it as unworthy.'
*nod* I obviously wasn't thinking that way when I wrote this entry, but you're right. I've bought into the messages of my culture too much, and let myself be distracted by "what I have to get done" too long, and have drifted away from my priorities. I do remember a time when I was too busy working a day job (long hours for a consulting startup) to have time to play my guitar, and how unhappy that made me. And here I am doing something similar to myself. On a smaller scale, but doing it to myself nonetheless. Ouch.
Now if I can manage not to literally starve while getting back to Me ...
What you said about making my life and activities consonant with my values hit home painfully. I've got that in some aspects of my life, but I've fallen short in ways that would disappoint the self of twenty years ago, in other aspects. (That sort of thought was part of my working up the courage to start dressing the way I want to, way back when.)
'What, in your mind, constitutes a life well lived?'
And there, really, is the rub. It's so easy to keep putting off the whole-life-important things in order to take care of the right-now-urgent ones, that one can hit middle age wondering why one hasn't gotten around to the things one wants to be able to look back on when old age finally arrives. Some delayed-gratification is nessecary, of course, but "moderation in all things means moderation in moderation too." And it's too easy to lose sight of the prize (the well-lived life) in the process of taking care of the details.
Now to work on unlearning the culturally-approved reflexes. so that these decisions can be conscious and intentional again.
Your points were painful, but I thank you. I owe you.
(no subject)
It occurs to me that you do not realize what an extraordinary person you are. That is a problem because the particular sort of extraordinary person you are is not nourished in the soul by an ordinary life. The little triumphs of ordinary daily living will leave you malnurished if you attempt to subsist on them. The purpose of doing deeply gratifying things is not merely pleasure; they are the bread of your soul. They give you strength and vitality.
’