My full disclosure: I am neither monogamous nor polyamorous. I am in a monogamous relationship and I have been in a poly relationship. I don't identify as being either.
That said, I certainly didn't find anything inappropriate or offensive in the quote you posted. If anything I thought it enormously old news, and about as uncontroversial as something could get.
And now, I'm going to dump the kerosene into the fire:
There are an unfortunate lot of monogamists who have no idea what privilege they enjoy in the mainstream can't hear anything said which criticizes monogamy. They use as the excuse "Well, in my crowd, monogamy is the poor oppressed minority."
The fact of the matter is that any such lifestyle choice can, and will be, criticized, and that normally monogamists enjoy an enormous unfair privilege of never having to hear that other people disagree with their choice or the way their choice is promoted. They are protected from dissent, in the mainstream.
When many (though mercifully not all) monos hear the least criticism of mono, or something which criticizes the way mono is presented in our culture, they think some incredible unfairness is being done them, when all that is happening is that they are not enjoying their normal unfair privilege.
For example, Glen, I want to argue about your case [3]. I completely agree with your point that P should be able to figure out from context that "I'm married" is meant to be taken "monogamously". But, what's polite with refusing with the phrase "I'm married"? That throws the mainstream privilege that monogamy enjoys in the face of the poly person: "My relationship's rules are so societally supported, I can presume that any random person should know what they are." Frankly, I expect the response "So what?" is more a matter of reacting to the "Give me my mono privilege!" subtext in "I'm married."
Let me make an analogy. If P attempts to pick M up, and M's dom comes charging over saying "How dare you talk to M! M is my slave and doesn't talk to anyone without permission! Can't you see M's collar?!" wouldn't you say P had every right to respond, "Hey, I how should I know what your and M's relationship is?" But married people get to do that in our culture -- and that is unfair.
Fairness requires either all forms of relationship should become "public", or they all should equally be "private". Personally, I'd rather see them all become "private". I'm not interested in being made to be responsible for keeping track of the mating habits and rules of everyone I meet.
If one really does have a poly-dominated social circle, the polite way to decline when hit on is to say "No, thank you." (Coincidentally, the polite thing under all circumstances. Fancy that.) Claiming mono/mainstream privilege is tacky, under the circumstances. If you're trying to express the sentiment, "But I'm flattered you asked" you can say "But I'm flattered you asked." If you're trying to express "Don't press me on this" you can say "I'm in a closed relationship" or "I'm in a monogamous relationship" or even "I'm monogamously married" or even "Please don't press me on this."
No one is entitled to having their marriage "respected" in that way. That's not respect, that's an unfair privilege. There's more than one form of marriage. Mono people moving in poly circles can damn well get used to that fact they are not entitled to their use of the word "marriage" equating to "monogamy."
Sheesh.
I speak as someone who walks this walk. Personally, I like to make the joke, "Well, I know its so kinky, but my partner and I are trying this monogamy thing. We're such perverts, I know." It somehow doesn't seem so terribly burdensome to me.
When many (though mercifully not all) monos hear the least criticism of mono, or something which criticizes the way mono is presented in our culture, they think some incredible unfairness is being done them, when all that is happening is that they are not enjoying their normal unfair privilege.
(no subject)
That said, I certainly didn't find anything inappropriate or offensive in the quote you posted. If anything I thought it enormously old news, and about as uncontroversial as something could get.
And now, I'm going to dump the kerosene into the fire:
There are an unfortunate lot of monogamists who have no idea what privilege they enjoy in the mainstream can't hear anything said which criticizes monogamy. They use as the excuse "Well, in my crowd, monogamy is the poor oppressed minority."
The fact of the matter is that any such lifestyle choice can, and will be, criticized, and that normally monogamists enjoy an enormous unfair privilege of never having to hear that other people disagree with their choice or the way their choice is promoted. They are protected from dissent, in the mainstream.
When many (though mercifully not all) monos hear the least criticism of mono, or something which criticizes the way mono is presented in our culture, they think some incredible unfairness is being done them, when all that is happening is that they are not enjoying their normal unfair privilege.
For example, Glen, I want to argue about your case [3]. I completely agree with your point that P should be able to figure out from context that "I'm married" is meant to be taken "monogamously". But, what's polite with refusing with the phrase "I'm married"? That throws the mainstream privilege that monogamy enjoys in the face of the poly person: "My relationship's rules are so societally supported, I can presume that any random person should know what they are." Frankly, I expect the response "So what?" is more a matter of reacting to the "Give me my mono privilege!" subtext in "I'm married."
Let me make an analogy. If P attempts to pick M up, and M's dom comes charging over saying "How dare you talk to M! M is my slave and doesn't talk to anyone without permission! Can't you see M's collar?!" wouldn't you say P had every right to respond, "Hey, I how should I know what your and M's relationship is?" But married people get to do that in our culture -- and that is unfair.
Fairness requires either all forms of relationship should become "public", or they all should equally be "private". Personally, I'd rather see them all become "private". I'm not interested in being made to be responsible for keeping track of the mating habits and rules of everyone I meet.
If one really does have a poly-dominated social circle, the polite way to decline when hit on is to say "No, thank you." (Coincidentally, the polite thing under all circumstances. Fancy that.) Claiming mono/mainstream privilege is tacky, under the circumstances. If you're trying to express the sentiment, "But I'm flattered you asked" you can say "But I'm flattered you asked." If you're trying to express "Don't press me on this" you can say "I'm in a closed relationship" or "I'm in a monogamous relationship" or even "I'm monogamously married" or even "Please don't press me on this."
No one is entitled to having their marriage "respected" in that way. That's not respect, that's an unfair privilege. There's more than one form of marriage. Mono people moving in poly circles can damn well get used to that fact they are not entitled to their use of the word "marriage" equating to "monogamy."
Sheesh.
I speak as someone who walks this walk. Personally, I like to make the joke, "Well, I know its so kinky, but my partner and I are trying this monogamy thing. We're such perverts, I know." It somehow doesn't seem so terribly burdensome to me.
OK, done flaming.
(no subject)
When many (though mercifully not all) monos hear the least criticism of mono, or something which criticizes the way mono is presented in our culture, they think some incredible unfairness is being done them, when all that is happening is that they are not enjoying their normal unfair privilege.
Amen, sister!
(no subject)
I didn't particularly perceive it as flaming.