OK, If I have this right, someone whom you love has asked you to keep the fact that you are/were close a secret because she is afraid of some repercussion. And presumably there is a "deadline" in the near future as to your response to something - I don't really understand what here (to removing her name from your website?). So you seem to have lost a close, important friend - and possibly another friend who has been advising her about how to handle this situation.
So as to your question - "am I poison" - it would seem that the situation/pressure in which she has been placed to motivate her to reject you in such a way comes from a "poisonous" sector of society. I believe you mentioned she was a teacher? Having had several academic and research positions myself, I can say that teachers have got to be the most harshly judged individuals I know of. In these careers, if you're not popular for any reason, it could mean your whole career down the tubes - many people in academia and education are vindictive and will find any little thing as a big flaw that makes you an unsuitable person for the job. So there are a lot of fakey people in this sector of society - if they let their true selves be known, they lose their ability to secure bread, butter, and a roof. Understandable paranoia in my opinion - if someone were to interpret her friendship with you in a negative light, it could mean her job and career that she's worked so hard for and there usually aren't many options. It seems like removing her name from the web page would be a respectful thing to do - at least to do for anyone for any reason.
You are right to feel angry and rejected. I have been told be psychologists that the one greatest fear is fear of rejection. Yet your friend must be under great duress to come up with such a request. Either that, or she's just unstable. You are ahead of your time with respect to "intergenderedness" and crossdressing in public without trying to pass - I am assuming that is a large part of the issue. The remaining issue perhaps being that there are links to adult stories on your pages. I know many individuals who as soon as they had an inkling that a teacher might be associated with someone that wrote adult stories (and posted them on the internet) would just have it out for them and go on a personal mission to ruin their career, if not their lives. Many of these people are very low and will go to great lengths to hassle colleagues. These people are often dangerous, too, because they are intelligent criminals. I feel sorry for her. I also feel sorry for you because I know how sensitive you are and I know how important your friends are to you. I feel sorry for people who have not (yet) transcended the need/habit of identifying who a person is based in part (or in full) on how they are dressed.
Gender (or intergender) is a role, a part to be played - part of the "performance". As such, how one is dressed - while it may affect physical comfort and while one may have some strong preferences - never really has anything to do with the actual Self. Thus, I believe it is possible to transcend how one is dressed and show one's true self irrespective of the "role" one is allegedly playing. In other words, to keep one's preferences and yet to also be socially comfortable wearing just about anything. I've managed to do this with my own "dressing" to a large extent.
To Be Continued... (LJ won't accept this long a post)
Where is the poison?
OK, If I have this right, someone whom you love has asked you to keep the fact that you are/were close a secret because she is afraid of some repercussion. And presumably there is a "deadline" in the near future as to your response to something - I don't really understand what here (to removing her name from your website?). So you seem to have lost a close, important friend - and possibly another friend who has been advising her about how to handle this situation.
So as to your question - "am I poison" - it would seem that the situation/pressure in which she has been placed to motivate her to reject you in such a way comes from a "poisonous" sector of society. I believe you mentioned she was a teacher? Having had several academic and research positions myself, I can say that teachers have got to be the most harshly judged individuals I know of. In these careers, if you're not popular for any reason, it could mean your whole career down the tubes - many people in academia and education are vindictive and will find any little thing as a big flaw that makes you an unsuitable person for the job. So there are a lot of fakey people in this sector of society - if they let their true selves be known, they lose their ability to secure bread, butter, and a roof. Understandable paranoia in my opinion - if someone were to interpret her friendship with you in a negative light, it could mean her job and career that she's worked so hard for and there usually aren't many options. It seems like removing her name from the web page would be a respectful thing to do - at least to do for anyone for any reason.
You are right to feel angry and rejected. I have been told be psychologists that the one greatest fear is fear of rejection. Yet your friend must be under great duress to come up with such a request. Either that, or she's just unstable. You are ahead of your time with respect to "intergenderedness" and crossdressing in public without trying to pass - I am assuming that is a large part of the issue. The remaining issue perhaps being that there are links to adult stories on your pages. I know many individuals who as soon as they had an inkling that a teacher might be associated with someone that wrote adult stories (and posted them on the internet) would just have it out for them and go on a personal mission to ruin their career, if not their lives. Many of these people are very low and will go to great lengths to hassle colleagues. These people are often dangerous, too, because they are intelligent criminals. I feel sorry for her. I also feel sorry for you because I know how sensitive you are and I know how important your friends are to you. I feel sorry for people who have not (yet) transcended the need/habit of identifying who a person is based in part (or in full) on how they are dressed.
Gender (or intergender) is a role, a part to be played - part of the "performance". As such, how one is dressed - while it may affect physical comfort and while one may have some strong preferences - never really has anything to do with the actual Self. Thus, I believe it is possible to transcend how one is dressed and show one's true self irrespective of the "role" one is allegedly playing. In other words, to keep one's preferences and yet to also be socially comfortable wearing just about anything. I've managed to do this with my own "dressing" to a large extent.
To Be Continued...
(LJ won't accept this long a post)
--Ru aka. Anusara