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eftychia at 12:32am on 2002-09-02Here's the angst, and potential for psychodrama. I'll try not to do this to my readers too often, but right now I'm in a lot of emotional pain over this.
Some of y'all can figure out who the other person in this is. On the other hand, some of you might guess wrong. Don't try too hard -- I'm not trying to throw a spotlight on her all sneaky and backdoorwise; I just really need to "think out loud" here so that when I feel ready to actually read others' thoughts (and I'll need some outside-my-own-skull viewpoints sooner or later), the reactions will be there for me to read. (Right now I'm too upset to really process what I read if it disagrees with my gut, but at some point I should calm down a little. If I calm down enough to read comments before the other person's deadline, I'll need the insights in a hurry.) Plus, this has been gnawing and gnawing at me and I really need to vent.
I don't deal well with ultimatums. Or with things that sound like implied ultimatums. That's one of my buttons. Being told what I can and can't say is another of my buttons. Now I'm being told that something that used to be okay to say has to be buried. Let's rewrite history!
Being told, "I'm ashamed to be associated with you," hurts. Being told, "I'm afraid to be associated with you," sounds close enough to "ashamed" to also hurt. A lot. Especially hearing it from someone I love, who has loved me in the past. Actually, what she's saying is more like, "I can't afford to be associated with you." I'm not sure whether that's better or worse than "I'm ashamed".
If this post sounds like my buttons got pushed, well they did. At some point I'll need to figure out whether I'm overreacting or not. Right now I'm not sure I'm ready to hear aye or nay on that -- right now I'm feeling (anger, hurt, loss) more than thinking, and I know it. I don't know which is more scary: the thought that I might be overreacting, or the thought that I might not be.
I'm still not feeling ready to be reasonable about this situation. My gut reaction is to say, "[Expletive] you -- sue me." And, more to the point, "It was nice knowing you, but I guess we don't know each other any more. If you can't afford to have anyone know that we're friends, then we're not friends at all." Actually saying those things would be kind of ... final. So I don't want to say anything at all until I trust myself to know whether or not I'm being reasonable. Oh, I might still choose an unreasonable reaction, but I figure I ought to know that's what it is if do.
But she's set a deadline. Great.
What happened in July with a different person left me with a "knifed in the gut" feeling -- that was carelessness or cluelessness or cowardice (not that I can tell which of those). This, on the other hand, while it leaves me with that sick feeling in my gut, feels more like being stabbed in the back. "I hope that I don't hurt your feelings..." How could this possibly not hurt like Hell?
Am I really such poison to be associated with that a teacher can't afford to have me say in public that we dated N years ago? Or that I even know her? (That's the part that *for* *now* is rhetorical just because I'm feeling too fragile to hear the answers yet. The fact that I'm even considering the question at all, in addtion to showing how much this person means / has meant to me, is enough to raise hob with my self-esteem. "Gee, I'm a [expletive]ing danger to those I love, wonderful.")
The part where I'm already sure she's being unreasonable is her request that I remove a page that relates an anecdote in which she is mentioned by first name only, and the only other clue to her identity is one of the musical instruments she plays. How can that be a threat to her? And that part of her request makes me feel -- reasonably or otherwise -- that the whole thing is being driven by paranoia more than sense.
What really sucks about all of this is that I'm pretty sure I just lost a friend one way or another. Not just any friend, but one of those special-connection friends. So not only am I hurt and angry, I'm grieving. And I feel a little bit more alone. (A lot more alone when the "I'm a danger to my friends" thoughts sneak in along the edges.) I may have lost two friends: another was advising her.
(The lj-cut is because this is more of an aside, rather than for length.)
I can understand that some folks don't want to associate with me. I just don't expect those people to become my friends in the first place. Once in a while someone invites me to something and asks me not to come as myself -- to wear a "normal" disguise so as to not freak the other guests (though sometimes it sound smore like "so as to not embarrass the person inviting me"). I try not to make too much of a fuss about such things; I just don't go to them (and yes, it does sting). Being asked to pretend to be not-me does make me feel significantly less close to the person asking, but it's not usually the folks I feel closest to who make such requests in the first place.
There are, unsurprisingly, exceptions. Weddings, for example, where yes, I'd rather be invited to show up as myself, but I do not want to become a huge distraction to my friends' once-in-a-lifetime Special Day. For a wedding, I will usually bring the matter up (because it's less awkward that way), and ask whether I should attend dressed as myself or in disguise. A few ask me to wear the normal-mask; many tell me to come as myself.
Another exception is performance. On stage, presentation is part of the performance, and I'm willing to bow to an organizer's (or band leader's) dictates regarding costume. But that's not social; that's performance. One sometimes does wear a costume -- and a persona -- when performing, even if one has a relatively "normal" everyday presentation. Similarly, when I attend SCA or Markland events, I'm wearing garb (and to some extent, persona) particular to that environment, as are most of the other folks present. That doesn't feel like an impositon.
Being told, "You have to wear a disguise to come to this purely social party," on the other hand, tells me that the me that is ME is not actually welcome. Which always makes me wonder why "I" was invited, and whether the person inviting me is really interested in associating with me, or just a couple aspects of me.
That I have to put on a disguise to visit my mother is a whole 'nuther can of worms...
The friend who hurt me so badly in July can be forgiven once the pain subsides a little more -- we'll still be friends, but I've needed to run away a little because it hurts too much right now. Oh, we might wind up not quite as close as if she'd never hurt me in that particular way, but we'll resume being friends. This matter, on the other hand, at least the way my gut feels right now, seems rather more permanent. I hope I can feel differently about it later, but that's now it feels right now.
I do wish she weren't insisting on my response before I've had time to find out whether I'm going to feel differently later or not.
Where is the poison?
OK, If I have this right, someone whom you love has asked you to keep the fact that you are/were close a secret because she is afraid of some repercussion. And presumably there is a "deadline" in the near future as to your response to something - I don't really understand what here (to removing her name from your website?). So you seem to have lost a close, important friend - and possibly another friend who has been advising her about how to handle this situation.
So as to your question - "am I poison" - it would seem that the situation/pressure in which she has been placed to motivate her to reject you in such a way comes from a "poisonous" sector of society. I believe you mentioned she was a teacher? Having had several academic and research positions myself, I can say that teachers have got to be the most harshly judged individuals I know of. In these careers, if you're not popular for any reason, it could mean your whole career down the tubes - many people in academia and education are vindictive and will find any little thing as a big flaw that makes you an unsuitable person for the job. So there are a lot of fakey people in this sector of society - if they let their true selves be known, they lose their ability to secure bread, butter, and a roof. Understandable paranoia in my opinion - if someone were to interpret her friendship with you in a negative light, it could mean her job and career that she's worked so hard for and there usually aren't many options. It seems like removing her name from the web page would be a respectful thing to do - at least to do for anyone for any reason.
You are right to feel angry and rejected. I have been told be psychologists that the one greatest fear is fear of rejection. Yet your friend must be under great duress to come up with such a request. Either that, or she's just unstable. You are ahead of your time with respect to "intergenderedness" and crossdressing in public without trying to pass - I am assuming that is a large part of the issue. The remaining issue perhaps being that there are links to adult stories on your pages. I know many individuals who as soon as they had an inkling that a teacher might be associated with someone that wrote adult stories (and posted them on the internet) would just have it out for them and go on a personal mission to ruin their career, if not their lives. Many of these people are very low and will go to great lengths to hassle colleagues. These people are often dangerous, too, because they are intelligent criminals. I feel sorry for her. I also feel sorry for you because I know how sensitive you are and I know how important your friends are to you. I feel sorry for people who have not (yet) transcended the need/habit of identifying who a person is based in part (or in full) on how they are dressed.
Gender (or intergender) is a role, a part to be played - part of the "performance". As such, how one is dressed - while it may affect physical comfort and while one may have some strong preferences - never really has anything to do with the actual Self. Thus, I believe it is possible to transcend how one is dressed and show one's true self irrespective of the "role" one is allegedly playing. In other words, to keep one's preferences and yet to also be socially comfortable wearing just about anything. I've managed to do this with my own "dressing" to a large extent.
To Be Continued...
(LJ won't accept this long a post)
--Ru aka. Anusara
Poison - continued
It can make people feel embarrassed and even be upset that they feel embarrassed. The embarrassment is because people judge each other based on the company they keep. If one is a very conservative person and is in the company of liberals (identifiably so dressed) - it is embarrassing because they don’t want to be seen as a liberal person (and it makes matters worse when the liberal is your child - my personal experience with my Mom/Dad). In the case of a child, the liberal expression of the child makes the parent feel like a failure or plays on their lack of self-confidence. Most people are very "attached" to how they (and others) are perceived and we are a segregated, diverse society - who, in my opinion, ignores the diversity as much as possible.
People still have to identify the Self with things that are non-Self and, further (more dangerously), make an "enemy" out of things that they are not like - so as to keep an identity. Having people who appear to be the "enemy" around is very uncomfortable.
My solution: transend this whole deal and become more or less comfortable wearing just about anything and ask, specifically, what to wear (or what kinds of things to wear) and give examples to see how well you understand. That way people can deal with me and I can deal with them. It's not the Self that people have problems with (not necessarily, at least) - it's the role. Most people (at this point in time/evolution) need strict rules and roles to feel secure and to deal with each other. I can be myself in weird clothes (most of the time).
Sometimes I wish others would transcend this whole deal so I don’t have to all the time….
Some things to muse:
To an extent, you can choose the way you want to feel and, as I'm sure you're aware, you can choose how to respond.
"Love doesn't solve problems, it dissolves the situations in which they arise" Gurumayi Chidvilasananda
Life is a balance of
Past, present and future (in another translation a balance of Earth, Atmosphere (wind), and Heaven)
And articles by Georg Feuerstein, "The Elusive Emotions", "Changing Mind"
on
www.yrec.org
And some other articles I can't find right now.
Good Luck
--Ru aka. Anusara
(no subject)
i'd never make the latter request, but i can think of tactful ways to make such a request -- "look, i'd really like you to be at my party, but some of my colleagues will be there and i'm not sure how they'll react or whether it could affect my future in my job." the idea being not so much to ask you not to crossdress as to explain that as welcome as you'd be, there could be problems. that would leave you with the choice whether to go or not. it's still not a "nice" thing to do, but ideals and reality don't always get along very well.
people's careers are very important to them, and sometimes they have to leave parts of their lives private, no matter how much they'd like to do otherwise. (while i've had many co-workers i'd have liked to invite over for my video parties, i've been reluctant to do so because i've been unsure how they'd react if/when the bong comes out.) i can't imagine a situation in which i'd ask you not to crossdress for something, but then, i rather enjoy the attention that comes with having such a varied and colorful group of friends -- and i also don't have the sort of career where who i know could be an issue.
as for the website thing -- i've had several friends ask me to take their names off my quotes page because they were afraid someone randomly running across their name associated with some particularly outrageous statement might affect their career. i've done that gladly. i'm perhaps too open about my life (especially wrt drug use, which is something i should probably keep under wraps -- and it has bitten me in the ass with an ex's parents!), but not everyone is comfortable with that sort of thing.
i can visualize a number of situations in which someone might be really concerned about their name being connected with yours by their employers. especially someone who works with children; BDSM and TS/TG are poorly understood by many people, and i can easily see how the potential for a parent or colleague running across your site could really make your friend nervous. admittedly, since you've only mentioned their first name, it hardly seems like much of a danger -- but it's not really fair to your friends to insist that they allow you to talk about them on your website. it doesn't sound to me like you were asked in a polite or thoughtful way. but i do think a friend is within their rights to ask that you not share their life with the internet at large, with or without a name attached.
remember that quotefile of mine? recently, my friend corprew, often known as
so again -- i don't really know the situation very well. maybe i'm way off base here and your friend is just being an asshole. but maybe they just didn't make this request tactfully, and you're reading a lot more into it than you need to. because there's a big difference between saying "i don't want to be associated with you" and "i don't think my students' parents would understand my association with you." and while you are 100% right that this shouldn't be an issue -- this is reality, and it is an issue. i should be able to walk naked down Market Street and not fear for my safety, but, well, i can't.
or maybe i'm totally off base and should shut up now.
either way, i love you, you know. and if i were there, i'd give you a great big hug and some coffee with jalapenos.
(no subject)
The one time someone did that to me I made sure everybody I could knew we'd been "associated" just to piss him off.
As for your mother, write her attitude off. Not all parents are accepting of their kids as-is. Mine sure as hell haven't been, and I'm fairly mainstream by most standards.