Fellow switches and subs: what do you do when somebody who isn't
at all interested in being dominant manages to accidentally push your
buttons and send you into submissive headspace?
Do you realize that you could have literally anyone you talked to in the last week wondering if you are talking about them? I'm even starting to wonder if I came across as that bossy on Saturday. Sheesh.
Don't worry, it wasn't you. And anyone who's not sure doesn't have to worry either -- the person in question knows explicitly.
It's not bossy that pushes that button for me, by the way. Something else. Just being bossy tends to make me want to push back. (And you weren't being bossy, in case you're still concerned.)
umm, hopefully what one ought when other people unintentionally push buttons of any kind: get ahold of oneself and deal. if they're unaware, they should probably be left that way; if not, they should receive an apology.
Hmm. If it would squick the person-who-isn't-ordinarily-dominant to be in that role, then I'd haul myself up out of subspace. If it wouldn't squick them, it could be worth exploring. Either way, I'd tell them before going further into the sub role.
Having been in that situation before, there's very little you can do about a non-interested or strictly sub party sending you into a sub headspace. It's sort of like the apocryphal "Lesbian Sheep Problem," although we all know how lesbian sheep really solve that one! The best you can do is probably to just try to get over it, because it'll never happen properly.
What does your "submissive headspace" look like? Mine's service-oriented and formal, so it's not so hard to cloak it as old-fashioned politeness. So far, nobody's objected to having a door held open, or my offering if she'd like something "while I'm up anyway..."
So, in that regard, triggering into sub headspace doesn't cause me problems with other people. Does it cause problems for me, though? It's only been a problem when I didn't have any relationships where I could be in service. (A funny thought: most guys complain about "not getting any", but how many get upset at "not giving any"?)
At the end of the day, it's up to me to deal with the times and places I respond as a submissive, since the triggers are all in my head anyway. "Getting my buttons pushed" happens when someone reminds me of some powerful image or relationship from my past (e.g. realizing belatedly that someone reminds of an ex-girlfriend, or hearing my father's voice in another). I can ask the other person not to do something (e.g. "when you two start arguing it scares the daylights out of me, so please find a way not to") but it's more likely they're going to keep on with their habits. So it comes back around to recognizing my triggers, and how it feels when triggered, and finding a way to come back.
Since you asked "what to do", here are some options: - If this is a long-term relationship, the two of you need to talk about the dynamic that she (or he) awakens in you. That could smooth out the awkward times when you go into a submissive headspace. - In any case, make sure you know what it feels like to be in a "mundane" headspace. Take some time to sit and just breathe during the day, paying attention to how your body feels and the kind of thoughts you're having. Do this enough, and you'll have an instinctive sense of where to go when you need to get out. (A psychologist friend of mine uses this with her clients before first doing any hypnosis/trance work so they know they can come out.) - Maybe you need an internal "safeword" that says "I get to come out of this headspace now". Or there's some other action you know will bring you back.
I hope this helps. :)
(p.s. have you seen http://www.bigrock.com/~trance ?)
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
I'm even starting to wonder if I came across as that bossy on Saturday. Sheesh.
(no subject)
It's not bossy that pushes that button for me, by the way. Something else. Just being bossy tends to make me want to push back. (And you weren't being bossy, in case you're still concerned.)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
I'd just get over it
Sigh... I'm there far too often.
?!, who hasn't signed up yet (busy)
(no subject)
So, in that regard, triggering into sub headspace doesn't cause me problems with other people. Does it cause problems for me, though? It's only been a problem when I didn't have any relationships where I could be in service. (A funny thought: most guys complain about "not getting any", but how many get upset at "not giving any"?)
At the end of the day, it's up to me to deal with the times and places I respond as a submissive, since the triggers are all in my head anyway. "Getting my buttons pushed" happens when someone reminds me of some powerful image or relationship from my past (e.g. realizing belatedly that someone reminds of an ex-girlfriend, or hearing my father's voice in another). I can ask the other person not to do something (e.g. "when you two start arguing it scares the daylights out of me, so please find a way not to") but it's more likely they're going to keep on with their habits. So it comes back around to recognizing my triggers, and how it feels when triggered, and finding a way to come back.
Since you asked "what to do", here are some options:
- If this is a long-term relationship, the two of you need to talk about the dynamic that she (or he) awakens in you. That could smooth out the awkward times when you go into a submissive headspace.
- In any case, make sure you know what it feels like to be in a "mundane" headspace. Take some time to sit and just breathe during the day, paying attention to how your body feels and the kind of thoughts you're having. Do this enough, and you'll have an instinctive sense of where to go when you need to get out. (A psychologist friend of mine uses this with her clients before first doing any hypnosis/trance work so they know they can come out.)
- Maybe you need an internal "safeword" that says "I get to come out of this headspace now". Or there's some other action you know will bring you back.
I hope this helps. :)
(p.s. have you seen http://www.bigrock.com/~trance ?)