Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος

Very tired and have stuff to do before I crash, so this'll be short again (looks like I had more that I needed to get out) ...

Thanks to folks for the support/advice re: clothing today, even though most of it arrived after I was already out of the house. I wound up wearing a blue top, black "broomstick" skirt with buttons down the front, and suede pumps. Mom had told me the wrong time (most likely intentionally, figuring I'd be late) so I got there early, which was good actually ... I'd thought it might be better for me to already be there when Mom showed up. My brother didn't comment (no outward reaction at all -- he's good at that, maybe a male-scorpio thing); his wife and her parents reacted favourably. I hung out and talked and helped shell hard-boiled eggs and felt generally comfortable (nothing unusual there -- I feel comfortable when I walk into that house) ... I got to play the guitar my brother bought himself for his wedding anniversary, a gorgeous Paul Reed Smith in gleaming ("glossy" just doesn't do it justice) black. Oooooh, that axe is sweet, easy on the eyes and SOOOOOO NICE UNDER THE FINGERS ... but I digress and I'm probably making hobbitblue horny ;-) ... unfortunately I didn't get to hear the electronics, 'cause he didn't have an amp handy (I'd brought an acoustic, so I didn't have my battery-powered amp with me).

Eventually other people showed up, including my mother and my other brother. I was in the kitchen when Mom arrived. I made a comment to expect snide comments, and braced myself. Mom came in saying hello to folks, saw me, and said, "What is this horrible thing?" I played dumb, and said, "What horrible thing?" and we went back and forth like that for a while, never actually saying the word "skirt". Then there was some conversation on the back porch, which I think some of might have been about me, and Mom didn't bug me about it after that. She did throw me uncomfortable looks a couple of times, but I think that as the evening wore on, my attire started to recede into the background for her a bit. She did succumb to the urge to "explain" me (as a fashion thing instead of a gender-issues thing) at one point when someone else asked a question. Although I'm not sure she quite got it on an emotional level, I think that intellectually at least she got the message that nobody else there had any problem with my clothing, and that she didn't have to make excuses for me or feel ashamed. (And I didn't expect her to get that emotionally; accepting that idea on a purely intellectual level is significant enough for one day.)

I want her perception of my clothing to fade into the background for her. I'm not looking for her to celebrate my being transgendered; I want it to become a non-issue, no longer strange and stressful. I don't know whether that'll ever happen, but today was hopeful.

Anyhow, good food, good company, and good conversation were had. I ate lots of quite yummy food while the table degenerated into folks one-upping each other pun-wise, interrupted by brief bursts of less silly speech. (And it wasn't the wine -- nobody had that much of it.) We finished the day with a viewing of Bruce Almighty on DVD, which I liked a lot more than I expected to. A brief round of "embarrassing toddler stories" occurred, which included my mother's description of how I hated shoes and used to roll down the car window and throw my shoes out. Father-in-law's comment that she must have bought me the wrong kind of shoes, brought friendly laughter. (But I don't think they make high-heels in toddler sizes.)

Have I mentioned that I feel comfortable there? They're warm people. I'm glad to be part of their family; it's a shame I get over there so seldom.

Even with all the "how is Mom going to react?" and "is this really the right time for this?" stress, it was less stress than I feel putting on boy-clothes for something like this. I didn't feel like I was wearing a mask or a disguise. I didn't feel like I was hiding something. Like I was perched on the edge of a lie. Instead, I was comfortably myself, and only had Mom's reaction to worry about. (Deciding what to wear was stressful; being there dressed as myself was not.) And we got through the day without a scene, and without the steady barrage of dirty looks I'd feared. I don't know the whole story yet -- what Mom will say to me later, privately, or whether my other brother will chew me out for upsetting Mom, or whether my sister, who wasn't there, will use this to further demonize me -- but I hope that the rest of Mom's reaction will amount to "that wasn't as bad/awkward as feared" and (grudging, if not better) acceptance that since we were at someone else's house, their rules mattered more than hers (and this had come up in conversation with the in-laws before, so I knew their very supportive opinions); that my wearing a skirt shouldn't be counted as a slap in her face, nor scandalous.

Because when it comes down to it, I don't want to "get away with" dressing as myself via a loophole, and I don't want to thumb my nose at Mom or "score points" or embarrass her; I just want to be able to dress as myself around her without it counting as any of those things. I want today to be counted as "appropriate", not "loophole". And ideally, I want to feel comfortable with myself and with her at the same time. I don't know whether that last one is ever going to happen, but I keep hoping. In the meantime, I'll settle for her noticing that nobody present today was shocked or disapproving, and deciding "no harm, no foul".

Hope the rest of you had a good day today as well, whether you celebrated Thanksgiving today or not.