Sexual Violence [Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος]

In the "difficult post" category...

This morning, misia posted an uncomfortable but very important entry about sexual violence and visibility. How "you're not supposed to talk about it". Among other things,

"I wondered for a moment what it would look like if just for one day, everyone who had survived sexual violence were visible as a survivor, if we could actually see the extent of it, if we could all know just how very not-alone we are. I wondered how angry and sad it would make me to know. I wondered how much power there might be in the truth."

First, I encourage everyone who hasn't read her entry yet to go do so. The comments are as valuable as the entry. Among others, harriet_spy wrote

"I sometimes wonder what effect something like that would have on American men. I think there are a great many decent sorts out there who find the idea of rape repugnant, but also something very remote, something that hasn't happened in their own lives or those of the women (much less the men) they know. So when the statistics on sexual violence come out, it doesn't resonate with them because it doesn't seem to jibe with their personal experiences."

Second, I want to thank

misia for the comment that explains why to use the word "violence" despite what I wrote in a different comment).

I've talked about my own experience before, and written about it way back when I was active on a.s.b, so it's not exactly a secret. But it's not something I look for excuses to bring up, or particularly enjoy talking -- or thinking -- about, and I don't think it's come up in conversation in the past several years and I don't recall having mentioned it here in my journal yet, so a lot of my friends probably don't know. I've told the whole tale before, and will do so again if needed, but would rather not do so today. As misia wrote in her entry,

"This isn't about telling the story of what happened [...] This is about being public in regard to something that is normally kept a very big, very dark secret, thus ensuring that we can all pretend that This Sort Of Thing Doesn't Happen To People Like You And Me. It does happen to people like you and me. Trust me, I know."

(though I did say a little more about it here). My aim right now is merely to stand up and be visible as a survivor, and to direct people to the entry and the comments to it.

I must confess, as I read through the comments, I find myself holding my breath and praying not to find certain names among those standing up to be counted. Praying that they're among the lucky ones. Difficult reading, but important. Go.

"No Pity. No Shame. No Silence."

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Sexual violence is a terribly pervasive thing. Men are raped, too, though (I think) not quite as frequently as women. Sexual violence is such a terribly murky area to enter, as well, because violent sex and sexual violence are indistinguishable in the mind of the "average" individual on the street. I think most people have problems with gray areas, and want everything to be distinct, black or white.

Life isn't like that, though, and that's why rapists and other sexual predators can claim that "it was consensual" or "she asked for it" and sometimes get away. I hate that. I know whether I consent to something or not. So does any partner I might be with.

My two cents.

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In my case, communication was murky and there was confusion as to consent. Which may be part of the reason I'm twitchy about communication, and frequently worried whether I'm sure I've understood what was really meant or whether I've communicated my own intent adequately. I hadn't connected that set of fears to it before, but now I wonder.

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And people are so uncomfortable about communicating about sex, which just makes it even murkier, doesn't it? It's difficult. All I can say is, "I you aren't sure, ask. If you're still not sure, ask again."

I was actually rather touched and charmed, when once upon a time a date asked permission to kiss me goodnight.

Thank you for linking to this.

You're welcome. Thank you for doing so as well.

Good posts. Hers, and yours.

Visibility matters.

Thanks.

Yes, visibility matters ... I thought I knew that ... but today I have a greater appreciation for how much it matters than I did thirty six hours ago. There's another sentence that goes here, but I'm having trouble wrestling it into existence.

You missed a < /i> somewhere.

And thank you. And... I sympathise.

Have I got it fixed now? (Apparently, Opera interprets /p as automagically closing most character-formatting tags, so it looked right on my screen.)

Yep. You got it. (I wouldn't kibbitz, generally, but you clearly had a specific intent with the italics, so I just wanted to give you a heads up.)

J9 counts on hands number of people she knows personaly, not have enough hands. Self included, and you makes one more. J9 sad indead.

*hug* The world needs changing.

She had gotten over a thousand comments and the traffic was showing no signs of slowing down. It was interesting/disturbing to see that I recognized a dozen or so ljnames in the four pages I skimmed before the closing, although most of those were names I've only seen in passing.

I saw plenty of comments -- and entries in their own journals -- from people I know personally offline, as well as from my LJ friends and acquaintances. Some I had sort of half guessed, others were surprises. The surprises, while still painful, became less surprising as the scope was driven home. Along the way I started realizing whom I feel the most protective of. And that I don't usually know what to say.

"Showing no signs of slowing down" ... Something very powerful has happened here yesterday and today. Does anyone have even a remote guess how many other journals contain discussions sparked by this, that are still going on or just starting up?

We're going to need a lot of buttons.

The part that truly mystifies me is the existence of the trolls. I cannot wrap my head around their mindset. I get "irreverent", I get irony, I get "naughty", and I get black-humour, but I can't fathom the trolls.

I'm really glad

misia wrote that entry, and that so many people have linked to it, for a variety of reasons. Most of them are the obvious and common ones.

That I stumbled across your LJ was another of the good things that came out of No Pity. No Shame. No Silence. -- for me, anyway.

I've friended your journal, and added it to a filter I use when posting personal stuff and don't feel like fielding the "wait, what?" questions relating to "Jack is what gender, again?" (It's a good question, for which I still don't have a good answer, other than "not male and not female.") I don't use the filter much, though; my journal's usually more for my fannish interests than my personal life. Feel free not to read my LJ or friend it, I won't be offended.

I usually don't introduce myself this way when I friend someone's journal, partly because it's usually a fairly obvious match of fannish interests. In this case, though, it didn't seem like it would be immediately obvious that I first felt a resonance when I read your first comment on Hanne's post, or that there was even more as I read your LJ bio and the longer biographical sketch linked from there.

I live with FMS, too, something else that wouldn't be obvious. I'll probably be posting about this within the next week or three, but in case you don't see that, have you heard that there are now clinical trials testing testosterone as a treatment for fibromyalgia, with promising early results?

clinical trials testing testosterone as a treatment for fibromyalgia

So, I have to grow a beard to feel better?
#&^%@%

You probably saw my reply to your post, which talked about my friend Terry. Didn't mention the time at a friend's party when I clouted a guy in the shoulder for thinking it was an amusing drunken prank to stick his hand between my legs from the rear (I was playing pool) and sort of twiddle his fingers in my crotch. (It might have been an "amusing drunken prank" if he'd been someone with whom I was going out and had been sleeping with, and I can actually see a couple of my exes doing something like that completely non-maliciously -- and myself finding it amusing, if not actually outright funny -- but this guy in particular was a random friend of a friend, and not someone I knew except peripherally because of a Venn-diagram-like overlap in our social circles.)

It doesn't really prey on my mind at all, except for occasionally *still* pissing me off, almost a decade later. After all, I did sock the guy so hard he not only got the point, but he probably had relief images of my rings tattooed into his shoulders for a week. And no, I'm not going to apologise for hitting him. --wicked grin--

2 in the afternoon, I was walking up the steps of my dorm at U.Md., two drunk guys grab me and one of them tries to kiss me. My instinctive reaction was to go for his eyes with my long sharp fingernails. He yelled, and they let go and ran away.

For some reason that incident did not provoke fear, shame, or silence in me, perhaps because I so clearly "won" the encounter, perhaps because it was completely obvious to me that it was Not My Fault.

The other 2 incidents were more unpleasant.

"I wondered for a moment what it would look like if just for one day, everyone who had survived sexual violence were visible as a survivor, if we could actually see the extent of it, if we could all know just how very not-alone we are. I wondered how angry and sad it would make me to know. I wondered how much power there might be in the truth."

This is an example of a good idea gone to a bad extreme. What about the people who do NOT WANT to share their experiences with the entire world? Outting someone against their will is one of the most reprehensible things you can do.

I think that the original author meant to encourage people to stand up and say "I am a survivor". Encouragement is a good thing; there is comfort in knowing that you are not alone. It's the idea of pinning a label on someone - without their consent - that I can't stomach.

misia did not advocate outing people. She mused about what it would be like, and a thousand people took it as encouragement to stand up themselves. If you look at other folks reassurances to the people who apologized for posting anonymously in the comments to

misia's entry, I think you'll see that the need to respect each person's comfort level is respected. For that matter, if you look at her followup entry about her guidelines for creating buttons or T-shirts, she made it quite explicit that she considers it important to have a "non-outing" version.

So you're fretting about an interpretation I don't see anyone trying to apply.

The goal is "no pity, no shame, no silence", but these three goals are interconnected. The people who are able to live that goal now make it easier for the next to do so. Some won't be able to break silence until the culture changes the shame factor for them, and that will happen because of all the people who stood up unashamed before them. Some won't be able to break the shame barrier except by seeing how many others -- possibly even themselves -- break the silence. Different people need different orders of these things, and some are more ready for visibility than others.

As we work to change the world, someday we may reach the point where there are no pity, no shame, and no silence to overcome. Until that day, we each speak as loudly as we are prepared to and no softer, and respect those whose voices are louder or softer than our own for whatever reasons. Some people aren't emotionally ready for that step. Others would face fallout and feedback of an unacceptable nature. The rest of us try to remove those obstacles for them, but cannot pretend the obstacles don't exist in the first place.

Speaking up in person or on LiveJournal, or wearing a T-shirt or a button, is voluntary.

Others would face fallout and feedback of an unacceptable nature.
Posting anonymously for just this reason.

The rest of us try to remove those obstacles for them, but cannot pretend the obstacles don't exist in the first place.
I thank y'all for that and regret not standing with y'all.

Normally, outing myself wouldn't be a problem.
While I absolutely and utterly refuse to categorize myself as a "victim," I have endured repeated sexual violence. I redefined myself as best I could and went on my way.

If I'd logged in, you would know without a doubt who the abuser was.

Others would face fallout and feedback of an unacceptable nature.

Indeed. Who would it help if my husband went and ruined his own life by tracking down the guy who hurt me years ago and punishing him for what he did?

*appreciating your understanding of the need for anonymity for some*

Hi,

You have no idea who I am. I found you through Misia's post...she has no idea who I am, either. I have spent the last hours reading through the whole barrage, and I wanted to thank you for your kind, compassionate, and courageous words on the thread. Particularly the ones you made to the trolls, but they were all beautiful and eloquent.

I'm currently trying to get up the courage to "out" myself on my own journal. Brava to you for being able to do that, too.

-rebecca

Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος

Sexual Violence

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Mesia just close comments on her post

Re: Mesia just close comments on her post

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That's right.

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With all respect...

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Guess what?

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January