I admit I've been waffling on whether I *should* post a reply to this for a while. I really really am worried about this. But, a genuine question deserves a genuine answer. What I say is my opinion only (even if my phrasing makes it sound otherwise).
Sex is a very tricky subject to begin with. As a general rule, people in our culture aren't fully comfortable with sex. People deal with this discomfort in a variety of ways, which includes (but is not limited to) things like turning it into a big joke, depending it on power ("I'm a good girl, it's not my fault, he's making me do it"), channeling sex through a fetish, and revelling in what a BAD person you are. But of course, most of these behaviors aren't always because of discomfort with sex (some more often than others)... so it can sometimes feel like a minefield to walk through someone else's sexual thinking.
Thanking someone lands both parties square into that minefield.
I'm not talking about thanking someone for enjoying sex. If you had a good time, whether you went to the movies or spent the entire day in bed, thanking someone for spending a good day with you is a good thing: it is polite, it lets them know their presence is appreciated, it lets them know you really did enjoy the time. "I enjoyed our time together, thank you" is a good thing to say; if the time was more intimate, than the thanks may be more intimate, but the message behind it remains clear and uncomplicated, and the only subcontext your partner is likely to draw is "I'd like to do it again sometime" (which is a good impression to leave!).
But thanking someone for having an orgasm just opens a whole can of worms. What do you MEAN by that? You thought I couldn't orgasm, did you? You're so insecure that you didn't think you were able to cause a woman's (or my) orgasm? What kind of loser are you? What kind of weirdo are you? What did you think, you were SERVING me with that orgasm? Did you think you've conquered me with that orgasm and you're thanking me for giving myself up to you? Did I do something to turn our fun good time into a smarmy good time that I should be embarrassed of? What's the big deal about my orgasm - do you have some sort of weird fetish or hangup that would make me sick if I knew about it? Did I make weird faces that amused you and you're covering your laughter at me with false thanks? Are you thanking me because you filmed this whole episode and you'll be showing me to your friends now? Did I just add a notch to your "manhood scalp - uh, orgasms caused - belt", and if so, is that all this was about? Why are you thanking me for enjoying myself, is there something wrong with your head?
That list is only the things I could think of at the moment, and I'm sure that for every question I mentioned, there's 10 I missed :)
Of course, many of those questions won't come up within the context of a relationship. As you get to know somebody, you'll eliminate many of those questions, either through knowing how that person's mind works, or through trusting that person. But those questions that remain may become sharper and more frightening. And I know from experience that an unresolved question (in relation to ANY issue, not just this one question) can drive couples apart over time. Yes, communication is the answer, but first, the parties have to label the issue in their own minds so they CAN talk about it, and sometimes that just doesn't happen.
I once had a lover who thanked me for my orgasm, or at least, that's how I interpreted the rather strage thanks I got. I had no clue what to say or even what to think of that, so I dismissed it from my mind at that moment; I responded with something like, "Um, sure." I shrugged it off at that time, and put it out of my mind, but later, much later, it came into the mix when I was contemplating my relationship with this person.
But by the same token, within the context of a specific relationship, thanking for an orgasm might be just the right thing to say. The best part about relationships is that no two relationships are exactly the same, and you have to figure out the rules of each one for yourself.
(no subject)
Sex is a very tricky subject to begin with. As a general rule, people in our culture aren't fully comfortable with sex. People deal with this discomfort in a variety of ways, which includes (but is not limited to) things like turning it into a big joke, depending it on power ("I'm a good girl, it's not my fault, he's making me do it"), channeling sex through a fetish, and revelling in what a BAD person you are. But of course, most of these behaviors aren't always because of discomfort with sex (some more often than others)... so it can sometimes feel like a minefield to walk through someone else's sexual thinking.
Thanking someone lands both parties square into that minefield.
I'm not talking about thanking someone for enjoying sex. If you had a good time, whether you went to the movies or spent the entire day in bed, thanking someone for spending a good day with you is a good thing: it is polite, it lets them know their presence is appreciated, it lets them know you really did enjoy the time. "I enjoyed our time together, thank you" is a good thing to say; if the time was more intimate, than the thanks may be more intimate, but the message behind it remains clear and uncomplicated, and the only subcontext your partner is likely to draw is "I'd like to do it again sometime" (which is a good impression to leave!).
But thanking someone for having an orgasm just opens a whole can of worms. What do you MEAN by that? You thought I couldn't orgasm, did you? You're so insecure that you didn't think you were able to cause a woman's (or my) orgasm? What kind of loser are you? What kind of weirdo are you? What did you think, you were SERVING me with that orgasm? Did you think you've conquered me with that orgasm and you're thanking me for giving myself up to you? Did I do something to turn our fun good time into a smarmy good time that I should be embarrassed of? What's the big deal about my orgasm - do you have some sort of weird fetish or hangup that would make me sick if I knew about it? Did I make weird faces that amused you and you're covering your laughter at me with false thanks? Are you thanking me because you filmed this whole episode and you'll be showing me to your friends now? Did I just add a notch to your "manhood scalp - uh, orgasms caused - belt", and if so, is that all this was about? Why are you thanking me for enjoying myself, is there something wrong with your head?
That list is only the things I could think of at the moment, and I'm sure that for every question I mentioned, there's 10 I missed :)
Of course, many of those questions won't come up within the context of a relationship. As you get to know somebody, you'll eliminate many of those questions, either through knowing how that person's mind works, or through trusting that person. But those questions that remain may become sharper and more frightening. And I know from experience that an unresolved question (in relation to ANY issue, not just this one question) can drive couples apart over time. Yes, communication is the answer, but first, the parties have to label the issue in their own minds so they CAN talk about it, and sometimes that just doesn't happen.
I once had a lover who thanked me for my orgasm, or at least, that's how I interpreted the rather strage thanks I got. I had no clue what to say or even what to think of that, so I dismissed it from my mind at that moment; I responded with something like, "Um, sure." I shrugged it off at that time, and put it out of my mind, but later, much later, it came into the mix when I was contemplating my relationship with this person.
But by the same token, within the context of a specific relationship, thanking for an orgasm might be just the right thing to say. The best part about relationships is that no two relationships are exactly the same, and you have to figure out the rules of each one for yourself.