Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος

Sometimes I just want to listen and hear them come. It does strick me at the time as a big energy moment. I guess I should be thanking them for the good vibes. I have never said it though. I think it depends on who you are with.

I think that if one feels inspired to thank one's partner, it can only make the partner feel appreciated. Strikes me as a good idea.

How can it not be a good idea?

There are four reasons that I see for performing cunnilingus: a) doing it as a gift, b)doing it in the hope that gratifying your partner now increases your chances of being gratified later, c)your kink is observing female orgasm and/or d) revelling in/verifying your skill in that arena.

Saying "thank you for enjoying my gift" just seems wrong to me somehow. The other three reasons seem to be more about the licker than the lickee. So saying 'thank you' in those cases would be admitting to selfish intent. My motives tend to be a mixture of all four with emphasis on a and c.

Getting back to your questions. Since I tend to be closed mouthed about my feelings, my answer to question one is no. For the above reasons, my answer to question two is probably not. Besides with a smile, kiss, squeeze ond/or hug you are almost saying thank you, so why actually come out and say it?

Isn't this enormously contextual? Doesn't it depend on the relationship between the people involved? Doesn't it depend on whether or not it is a gift? If it's not for you, is it a gift? Is it the orgasm which is the gift, or is the being willing to have you around for it the gift? If it's a gift when she orgasms, if she doesn't come does that mean she's being stingy? Does this put performance pressure on her?

i guess i'm in the minority... i think i'd find such a comment vaguely offensive. but then, i spent three years in a relationship with someone who was interested in getting me off solely because he got an ego boost out of it. it was never about making love, or even about having sex -- we rarely had actual intercourse, since he didn't seem to enjoy it. he just went straight for the sweet spot every time, and since i happen to be very, very orgasmic, it never took him long -- which meant he didn't even have to touch any other part of me, really. and that seemed to suit him fine.

it did not suit me fine. it gave me the creeps. and i wish that at some point i'd had the courage to shove him off me and say sternly, "MY ORGASM IS NOT YOUR TROPHY."

YMMV, of course. i think it depends hugely upon context. for instance, it makes considerably more sense to me within the boundaries of a BDSM relationship.

I'm a little odd here, I think. While I quite happily (and frequently) thank my partner after I go down on him, I would be somewhat uncomfortable to be thanked for reversed positions. Then again, I also tend to shy away from anything that I could interpret as sexual dominance over another, which includes many things that feel like being served/pleased.

I admit I've been waffling on whether I *should* post a reply to this for a while. I really really am worried about this. But, a genuine question deserves a genuine answer. What I say is my opinion only (even if my phrasing makes it sound otherwise).

Sex is a very tricky subject to begin with. As a general rule, people in our culture aren't fully comfortable with sex. People deal with this discomfort in a variety of ways, which includes (but is not limited to) things like turning it into a big joke, depending it on power ("I'm a good girl, it's not my fault, he's making me do it"), channeling sex through a fetish, and revelling in what a BAD person you are. But of course, most of these behaviors aren't always because of discomfort with sex (some more often than others)... so it can sometimes feel like a minefield to walk through someone else's sexual thinking.

Thanking someone lands both parties square into that minefield.

I'm not talking about thanking someone for enjoying sex. If you had a good time, whether you went to the movies or spent the entire day in bed, thanking someone for spending a good day with you is a good thing: it is polite, it lets them know their presence is appreciated, it lets them know you really did enjoy the time. "I enjoyed our time together, thank you" is a good thing to say; if the time was more intimate, than the thanks may be more intimate, but the message behind it remains clear and uncomplicated, and the only subcontext your partner is likely to draw is "I'd like to do it again sometime" (which is a good impression to leave!).

But thanking someone for having an orgasm just opens a whole can of worms. What do you MEAN by that? You thought I couldn't orgasm, did you? You're so insecure that you didn't think you were able to cause a woman's (or my) orgasm? What kind of loser are you? What kind of weirdo are you? What did you think, you were SERVING me with that orgasm? Did you think you've conquered me with that orgasm and you're thanking me for giving myself up to you? Did I do something to turn our fun good time into a smarmy good time that I should be embarrassed of? What's the big deal about my orgasm - do you have some sort of weird fetish or hangup that would make me sick if I knew about it? Did I make weird faces that amused you and you're covering your laughter at me with false thanks? Are you thanking me because you filmed this whole episode and you'll be showing me to your friends now? Did I just add a notch to your "manhood scalp - uh, orgasms caused - belt", and if so, is that all this was about? Why are you thanking me for enjoying myself, is there something wrong with your head?

That list is only the things I could think of at the moment, and I'm sure that for every question I mentioned, there's 10 I missed :)

Of course, many of those questions won't come up within the context of a relationship. As you get to know somebody, you'll eliminate many of those questions, either through knowing how that person's mind works, or through trusting that person. But those questions that remain may become sharper and more frightening. And I know from experience that an unresolved question (in relation to ANY issue, not just this one question) can drive couples apart over time. Yes, communication is the answer, but first, the parties have to label the issue in their own minds so they CAN talk about it, and sometimes that just doesn't happen.

I once had a lover who thanked me for my orgasm, or at least, that's how I interpreted the rather strage thanks I got. I had no clue what to say or even what to think of that, so I dismissed it from my mind at that moment; I responded with something like, "Um, sure." I shrugged it off at that time, and put it out of my mind, but later, much later, it came into the mix when I was contemplating my relationship with this person.

But by the same token, within the context of a specific relationship, thanking for an orgasm might be just the right thing to say. The best part about relationships is that no two relationships are exactly the same, and you have to figure out the rules of each one for yourself.