Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος

It's after eleven. I'm feeling well enough to hang out and play music for a little while, but not well enough to drive there safely. Argh. Trying not to dwell on the feeling of frustration. (Kinda failing here. I'd seen the possibility that this would happen, and made my plans with an "if" in them -- tried not to set my own or others' expectations too high in order to head off disappointment -- but I guess I wanted to go to the party more than I'd wanted to admit to myself. Feeling bad about it doesn't help anything, but feeling foolish for feeling upset is going to help even less, and feeling frustrated for feeling foolish about feeling sad anyhow heps less still. Tack on a level of self-conscious, and we're almost there, but then stick all of that behind a haze of exhaustion so it looks all blurry. Don't need anyone to pity me if I get good enough at self-pity, right? Feh.) Maybe I thought too much about what the party is probably like, and I should have left it a vague abstraction in my mind.

I miss the days when having this many items on my calendar would have been Not A Challenge. Perrine, on the other hand, does not seem at all disappointed to have me at home.

I try not to let things like this get to me too badly, most of the time (and with the fibromyalgia, things like this happen a lot), but sometimes it sneaks through the ego-defenses and gets me anyhow. Sometime when I'm not feeling acute change-of-plans disappointment, I should write about some related patterns I've noticed in my own psychology (but I don't usually think of doing so until it hits ... I'll stick it on the to-do list that I, ah, er, often forget to look at).

I need to get my house into a condition amenable to hosting parties myself. Hosting takes energy too, but it would take "do I have the energy to get there" out of the equation. I'd still be upset about missing friends' parties, of course, but (assuming anyone came) I'd see people more often.

Okay, I'm even more tired than I'd thought. I just noticed how long it's taken me to type this.