Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος

Folks,

This is a more difficult entry to figure out how to start than I had expected it to be, so I guess beginning by saying that I am overwhelmed by your support isn't an overstatement after all. Thank you..

The response is a little intimidating because it's so huge, and some of it so vehement, and here I am walking around the next day while other victims of similar violence wind up hospitalized or dead. Yes, what happened to me was horrible, and the fact that such a thing could happen at all is horrible, and of course my friends and community will be Especially Horrified that it happened to me, and I really am grateful for the emotional support, the e-hugs, and the anger on my behalf, from friends, acquaintances, and from strangers ... I'm just a little freaked out by not knowing what to do with so much support and feeling a little (probably irrational) guilt at getting so much of your emotion when there are transgendered people being beaten worse than I got, every week. That's probably a problem with the inside of my head, not with your responses and support. And I know that much of the support is for the emotional impact of having had this happen to me at all, not for the magnitude of my injuries. Does this count as "liberal guilt", that as grateful as I am for the reminders that what happens to me counts, I still can't help thinking of the folks who get killed for being themselves, when I read (and am warmed by) each new message of support? (Or does it just mean I need therapy?)

Please indulge me for a moment while I try to work off some of that probably-irrational guilt with a little preaching. I'll be brief, honest. I'll try to keep it to one paragraph:

Many folks have said things along the lines of, "let us know if there's anything we can do to help." Well, I do need help, but I'm not very good at figuring out what I need help with, and I'm even worse at managing to ask for it even when folks have offered (and I know that's a my-head problem, not a problem with how help is being offered), but I think I can ask this -- if I don't figure out a way to ask you for help myself, please look at doing anything to make life safer for others as doing something to help me. I'm thinking "transgendered people" when I say "others", but widen that to all GBLT folks, or to any other populations at increased risk of violence if you like. Speak out. Complain about stereotypes and ugly speech. Contribute to visibility campaigns. Lobby for better police awareness in cities I don't go to as well as ones I do. Offer your support to a transgendered cousin or niece or nephew. Vote. If retelling my story helps because it personalizes things, feel free to do so. There's little to no chance that the guys who beat me up will be caught, but if my wonderful friends, and their cool friends, are motivated to activism on behalf of people like me, then some good will have come out of this horrible act. And you will have helped me even if I can't figure out how to ask for help personally.

Thanks also to the people who've sent me money via PayPal. I've gotten offers of flash units to replace the one that was taken, but I do not have medical insurance and don't know how much the ER bill is going to wind up being. Your words and deeds matter more to me than your money, but I'll not turn down what financial assistance comes my way. I hadn't thought of it until I saw that someone had asked one of my friends for my PayPal address (which is dglenn@radix.net). Again, thanks.

And finally, an update (copied from what I sent to a mailing list this afternoon): I can still feel the pain in my back, especially if I twist the wrong way, but I can now take full breaths again. If I'm lucky, it'll be down to an ignoreable level before I use up the pain meds prescribed by the ER doctor, so I'll have some left for using on fibromyalgia pain over the next couple months. (I had run out of Ultram again.) At the current rate of progress, I might try to play double bass at rehearsal tomorrow after all -- yesterday that seemed unlikely, today it seems possible though still uncertain. The bruise under my left eye, small to begin with, has nearly faded already. The one under my right eye has darkened, so that instead of looking like a faint blue mascara smudge, it now looks like a reddish-purple bruise (about the size of the last joint of my pinkie -- half as long as the width of my eye). The invisible bruise on my right cheek is still invisible and still swollen, but has reduced significantly (I now only feel it when I smile or when I touch my cheek). I discovered a bruise on the left side of my face, under my beard, by touch last night; it's still tender but getting better. The elbow is behaving as a scraped elbow is expected to -- I've been putting triple-antibiotic ointment on it just to speed things along a bit because I want that reminder gone, not because it really needs any help (though I just noticed that the brand I bought, unlike my last tube and the name-brand stuff, doesn't mention zinc on it ... odd). My right eyelid still feels a wee bit puffy and tender. And looking in the mirror this afternoon I discovered an abrasion near my left eye that was so slight it took this long to ooze enough fluid to form a scab, and was invisible until the scab formed -- I mention it solely for the sake of completeness.

Later on, I'll post thoughts about arming myself -- what that does and doesn't mean -- but for now, this has gotten kind of long, so I'll stop here.

And again, thank you, all of you, for your support. I'll try to start in on replies to individual comments and email in a while, after a bit more rest.