It sounds like it's really eating at you to keep doing what pleases your Mom in this. You've tried it for a lot of years, but it doesn't get easier; it feels more and more like suppressing the core of yourself.
It sounds like it may be time to tell your Mom that you love her but need to dress in the way that meets the needs of your own spirit from now on. That she can love *you* best by honoring how, and who, you truly are - not by thinking first of what others will say.
Are there other parents-of-transfolks who she can talk to, to help her get used to acceptance? Pride, even?
"It sounds like it's really eating at you to keep doing what pleases your Mom in this. You've tried it for a lot of years, but it doesn't get easier; it feels more and more like suppressing the core of yourself."
That's an accurate reflection of part of what I said (perhaps the most important part). And yes, that's been gnawing at me for years, both before and after coming out to her. And you're right, it's not getting easier.
I sometimes feel sick to my stomach when contemplating visiting my mother, because it upsets me so much to have to put on a disguise to visit the closest of family. Of course, she can't see that; she only sees that I showed up, and that I did so dressed "apropriately". How difficult it was for me to do so is completely invisible unless describe it (and she comprehends/believes the description), but I don't do so because that would feel like re-starting an already-fought fight.
"It sounds like it may be time to tell your Mom that you love her but need to dress in the way that meets the needs of your own spirit from now on."
She can be as stubborn as I am. It's long past time I should've said that, but I fear a rift ... then again, if things are heading in that direction anyhow, maybe I have less to lose than I'd thought.
"That she can love *you* best by honoring how, and who, you truly are - not by thinking first of what others will say."
The question is how to say that in a way that she'll hear it. In many ways, her ears are closed. I need to sneak the message in via the paths still open.
(I don't expect you to be able to tell me how to do that -- I'm pretty sure that requires knowing my mother pretty well. But if you have generic Clue to share, things I haven't thought of that I can figure out how well they apply, I'll listen.)
It really feels as though she doesn't love me, but rather that she loves the son I'm supposed to have been (as long as she can pretend that I really am him). But I know how much I hate it when someone plays the "If you loved me..." card on me, so I'm skittish about saying things that even sound like that.
(I've got more to say about "if you love..." in the rant that's brewing about what happened a few hours ago.)
"Are there other parents-of-transfolks who she can talk to, to help her get used to acceptance? Pride, even?"
Sometime in the past decade, PFLAG changed from, "Uh [scratches head] I guess parents of transfolk might fit in here..." to explicitly including transgendered in their literature. So yes, there's PFLAG for her to talk to, but first I have to get her to want to talk to anyone about it.
> But if you have generic Clue to share, things I haven't thought of that I can figure > out how well they apply, I'll listen.
I don't have the magic phrase, of course. But it occurs to me that this may not be so much about *what* you say, as about your willingness to say it and stick by it. I mean, you'll likely put in the usual stuff about "Mom, I love you, and making you happy is important to me - so important that I've honored your wishes about my garb for X years. But it's eating me up inside to have to maintain a facade, especially to the one who I'd love the most to know me - the real me. I can no longer pretend I am other than who I am, and I want to honor you by letting you get to know the real me. And I want you to honor me in turn by welcoming and accepting the real me."
Or something like that.
But really, if she's going to hear it, she'll hear it; if she's inclined not to, she won't. And it comes down to, who is going to be the one to draw the line?
What will happen if you simply tell her some variant of the above, finishing with "And I am going to dress as *me* from now on, and you will have to accept that." Will she grit her teeth and put up with it? Go along with it but make snide remarks? Say she never wants to see you again?
(no subject)
It sounds like it may be time to tell your Mom that you love her but need to dress in the way that meets the needs of your own spirit from now on. That she can love *you* best by honoring how, and who, you truly are - not by thinking first of what others will say.
Are there other parents-of-transfolks who she can talk to, to help her get used to acceptance? Pride, even?
Geri
(no subject)
That's an accurate reflection of part of what I said (perhaps the most important part). And yes, that's been gnawing at me for years, both before and after coming out to her. And you're right, it's not getting easier.
I sometimes feel sick to my stomach when contemplating visiting my mother, because it upsets me so much to have to put on a disguise to visit the closest of family. Of course, she can't see that; she only sees that I showed up, and that I did so dressed "apropriately". How difficult it was for me to do so is completely invisible unless describe it (and she comprehends/believes the description), but I don't do so because that would feel like re-starting an already-fought fight.
"It sounds like it may be time to tell your Mom that you love her but need to dress in the way that meets the needs of your own spirit from now on."
She can be as stubborn as I am. It's long past time I should've said that, but I fear a rift ... then again, if things are heading in that direction anyhow, maybe I have less to lose than I'd thought.
"That she can love *you* best by honoring how, and who, you truly are - not by thinking first of what others will say."
The question is how to say that in a way that she'll hear it. In many ways, her ears are closed. I need to sneak the message in via the paths still open.
(I don't expect you to be able to tell me how to do that -- I'm pretty sure that requires knowing my mother pretty well. But if you have generic Clue to share, things I haven't thought of that I can figure out how well they apply, I'll listen.)
It really feels as though she doesn't love me, but rather that she loves the son I'm supposed to have been (as long as she can pretend that I really am him). But I know how much I hate it when someone plays the "If you loved me..." card on me, so I'm skittish about saying things that even sound like that.
(I've got more to say about "if you love..." in the rant that's brewing about what happened a few hours ago.)
"Are there other parents-of-transfolks who she can talk to, to help her get used to acceptance? Pride, even?"
Sometime in the past decade, PFLAG changed from, "Uh [scratches head] I guess parents of transfolk might fit in here..." to explicitly including transgendered in their literature. So yes, there's PFLAG for her to talk to, but first I have to get her to want to talk to anyone about it.
Geri, thank you.
(no subject)
> out how well they apply, I'll listen.
I don't have the magic phrase, of course. But it occurs to me that this may not be so much about *what* you say, as about your willingness to say it and stick by it. I mean, you'll likely put in the usual stuff about "Mom, I love you, and making you happy is important to me - so important that I've honored your wishes about my garb for X years. But it's eating me up inside to have to maintain a facade, especially to the one who I'd love the most to know me - the real me. I can no longer pretend I am other than who I am, and I want to honor you by letting you get to know the real me. And I want you to honor me in turn by welcoming and accepting the real me."
Or something like that.
But really, if she's going to hear it, she'll hear it; if she's inclined not to, she won't. And it comes down to, who is going to be the one to draw the line?
What will happen if you simply tell her some variant of the above, finishing with "And I am going to dress as *me* from now on, and you will have to accept that." Will she grit her teeth and put up with it? Go along with it but make snide remarks? Say she never wants to see you again?
And how well can you withstand each of these?
Hugs,
Geri