There *is* one thing I was hoping I could point out.
I'm fully supportive of your efforts to document and thus help curb and curtail crime in your area, but you left yourself vulnerable on this particular mission by being a very obvious, attractive target, with a ready payoff for someone who'd choose to take you on.
What you gotta do, is when you venture forth on dangerous reconaissance is any of three things: 1) Be invisible 2) Be "not worth it" 3) Be a "Don't mess with me".
I do the latter pretty well, but I've still had MORE than my share of physical thrashings. So 1 & 2 are very attractive.
Now, I want to be very very clear on this. I'm NOT advocating that you compromise your identity or your gender when you just go out and live your life. That you should do as you see fit. And I applaud it.
What I'm talking about here is that when (not if, I know) you venture forth again with your camera to take pictures of the bad guys, you do so with an attitude of "this is a mission, not a statement".
Sun Tzu says that you should NEVER fight two battles at once. Focus your energy on the battle you need to win, preferrably the battle that you CAN win. You need to increase the odds in favor of your success, and that means that you need to treat your mission of reconnaissance with the appropriate tactics and gear. Reconaissance, like scientific observation should be done in a way that does not alert or disturb the subject(s).
1st off: disposable camera.(literally or figuratively) If the gear must be a casualty, it's cheap, and it's NOT an obvious attractive payoff, so you become "less worth the bother" if someone is after material collateral. It's also easier to conceal.
2nd Camouflage: It's not (or shouldn't be) a denial of your identity to camouflage yourself when you're on a reconnaisance mission. It's appropriate to do so. If you started riding a motorcycle, no matter what else you wore, one of the proper fashion accessories had better be a helmet. Same for reconaissance. Crime fighting is dangerous work, and any good detective will tell you that surveillance and stakeouts don't work if you draw attention to yourself. So, dress for the mission, next time.
Be all you want when you're out and about, but when you do surveillance, don't give anyone any reason to notice you. Camouflage. I'm not even suggesting that you "just wear boy clothes". You look and move awkward in those, and that draws attention. No, neutral, comfortable, unassuming, like sweats. Even in summer, sweatpants and tee shirt have little "stand out" value, and contribute to in or non- visibility.
You should not feel guilty about being attacked, they did that you with no real provocation.
But If I were the coach in your head and wanted to point out the moment when things went wrong in this mission, it would be when you made yourself an attractive target with an obvious payoff. You're not to blame for being attacked. But I'd strongly consider those two factors to be "no-no-s" when you next go out to do surveillance. Backup would also be helpful.
I was going to send you something very similar in e-mail, the fruits of a discussion I had with Rustin, but Moggy scooped me. I'd like to add that if you feel you must go out with the expensive camera gear, get yourself some nice unobtrusive, preferably beat-up-looking bag or something to put it in. I don't mean like the camera bags you've already got; I mean something smaller and lighter. Maybe you could get a shoulderbag that looks somewhat like a purse or something, which might be less attractive, especially if the rest of your outfit looks as though you haven't got much money.
Also, if you're going to go out on reconnaissance missions in the middle of the night, wear shoes in which you can run, and be prepared to run if someone starts hassling you. You can run away from physical confrontations -- I wouldn't bother, because I run so slowly and awkwardly that it'd be provoking if I tried -- so do it.
Thirdly, yes, what Maugorn said about clothing. Jeans or sweats and t-shirts for midnight missions in inner-city Baltimore... One of the sartorial signifiers of skirts and blouses and high-heeled shoes, besides being too flashy for the purpose, is vulnerability. If you want to send a message to the effect of "I am helpless prey," go for it. But just as I wouldn't go riding without boots and breeches and a helmet (and probably gloves, too), or to Pennsic without sturdy shoes and two dozen pairs of socks, you ought to customise your wardrobe to the task at hand.
Otherwise, your mental state sounds pretty normal. You may want to look into getting therapy if you think it'll help, and it might help you with those "asking for help" issues we've been discussing for years now. (Still haven't applied for SSDI yet, have you?) Good luck!
If you'd like to second guess...
I'm fully supportive of your efforts to document and thus help curb and curtail crime in your area, but you left yourself vulnerable on this particular mission by being a very obvious, attractive target, with a ready payoff for someone who'd choose to take you on.
What you gotta do, is when you venture forth on dangerous reconaissance is any of three things:
1) Be invisible
2) Be "not worth it"
3) Be a "Don't mess with me".
I do the latter pretty well, but I've still had MORE than my share of physical thrashings. So 1 & 2 are very attractive.
Now, I want to be very very clear on this. I'm NOT advocating that you compromise your identity or your gender when you just go out and live your life. That you should do as you see fit. And I applaud it.
What I'm talking about here is that when (not if, I know) you venture forth again with your camera to take pictures of the bad guys, you do so with an attitude of "this is a mission, not a statement".
Sun Tzu says that you should NEVER fight two battles at once. Focus your energy on the battle you need to win, preferrably the battle that you CAN win. You need to increase the odds in favor of your success, and that means that you need to treat your mission of reconnaissance with the appropriate tactics and gear. Reconaissance, like scientific observation should be done in a way that does not alert or disturb the subject(s).
1st off: disposable camera.(literally or figuratively) If the gear must be a casualty, it's cheap, and it's NOT an obvious attractive payoff, so you become "less worth the bother" if someone is after material collateral. It's also easier to conceal.
2nd Camouflage: It's not (or shouldn't be) a denial of your identity to camouflage yourself when you're on a reconnaisance mission. It's appropriate to do so. If you started riding a motorcycle, no matter what else you wore, one of the proper fashion accessories had better be a helmet.
Same for reconaissance. Crime fighting is dangerous work, and any good detective will tell you that surveillance and stakeouts don't work if you draw attention to yourself. So, dress for the mission, next time.
Be all you want when you're out and about, but when you do surveillance, don't give anyone any reason to notice you. Camouflage. I'm not even suggesting that you "just wear boy clothes". You look and move awkward in those, and that draws attention. No, neutral, comfortable, unassuming, like sweats. Even in summer, sweatpants and tee shirt have little "stand out" value, and contribute to in or non- visibility.
You should not feel guilty about being attacked, they did that you with no real provocation.
But If I were the coach in your head and wanted to point out the moment when things went wrong in this mission, it would be when you made yourself an attractive target with an obvious payoff. You're not to blame for being attacked. But I'd strongly consider those two factors to be
"no-no-s" when you next go out to do surveillance. Backup would also be helpful.
Re: If you'd like to second guess...
Also, if you're going to go out on reconnaissance missions in the middle of the night, wear shoes in which you can run, and be prepared to run if someone starts hassling you. You can run away from physical confrontations -- I wouldn't bother, because I run so slowly and awkwardly that it'd be provoking if I tried -- so do it.
Thirdly, yes, what Maugorn said about clothing. Jeans or sweats and t-shirts for midnight missions in inner-city Baltimore... One of the sartorial signifiers of skirts and blouses and high-heeled shoes, besides being too flashy for the purpose, is vulnerability. If you want to send a message to the effect of "I am helpless prey," go for it. But just as I wouldn't go riding without boots and breeches and a helmet (and probably gloves, too), or to Pennsic without sturdy shoes and two dozen pairs of socks, you ought to customise your wardrobe to the task at hand.
Otherwise, your mental state sounds pretty normal. You may want to look into getting therapy if you think it'll help, and it might help you with those "asking for help" issues we've been discussing for years now. (Still haven't applied for SSDI yet, have you?) Good luck!