I was going to send you something very similar in e-mail, the fruits of a discussion I had with Rustin, but Moggy scooped me. I'd like to add that if you feel you must go out with the expensive camera gear, get yourself some nice unobtrusive, preferably beat-up-looking bag or something to put it in. I don't mean like the camera bags you've already got; I mean something smaller and lighter. Maybe you could get a shoulderbag that looks somewhat like a purse or something, which might be less attractive, especially if the rest of your outfit looks as though you haven't got much money.
Also, if you're going to go out on reconnaissance missions in the middle of the night, wear shoes in which you can run, and be prepared to run if someone starts hassling you. You can run away from physical confrontations -- I wouldn't bother, because I run so slowly and awkwardly that it'd be provoking if I tried -- so do it.
Thirdly, yes, what Maugorn said about clothing. Jeans or sweats and t-shirts for midnight missions in inner-city Baltimore... One of the sartorial signifiers of skirts and blouses and high-heeled shoes, besides being too flashy for the purpose, is vulnerability. If you want to send a message to the effect of "I am helpless prey," go for it. But just as I wouldn't go riding without boots and breeches and a helmet (and probably gloves, too), or to Pennsic without sturdy shoes and two dozen pairs of socks, you ought to customise your wardrobe to the task at hand.
Otherwise, your mental state sounds pretty normal. You may want to look into getting therapy if you think it'll help, and it might help you with those "asking for help" issues we've been discussing for years now. (Still haven't applied for SSDI yet, have you?) Good luck!
Re: If you'd like to second guess...
Also, if you're going to go out on reconnaissance missions in the middle of the night, wear shoes in which you can run, and be prepared to run if someone starts hassling you. You can run away from physical confrontations -- I wouldn't bother, because I run so slowly and awkwardly that it'd be provoking if I tried -- so do it.
Thirdly, yes, what Maugorn said about clothing. Jeans or sweats and t-shirts for midnight missions in inner-city Baltimore... One of the sartorial signifiers of skirts and blouses and high-heeled shoes, besides being too flashy for the purpose, is vulnerability. If you want to send a message to the effect of "I am helpless prey," go for it. But just as I wouldn't go riding without boots and breeches and a helmet (and probably gloves, too), or to Pennsic without sturdy shoes and two dozen pairs of socks, you ought to customise your wardrobe to the task at hand.
Otherwise, your mental state sounds pretty normal. You may want to look into getting therapy if you think it'll help, and it might help you with those "asking for help" issues we've been discussing for years now. (Still haven't applied for SSDI yet, have you?) Good luck!