QotD [Δαφνη Ευτυχια Αρθουρος]

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"If you don't expect a single other person to fulfill all your needs, to make you happy, to turn your life upside down or make it all come out right, then you have to take responsibility for those things yourself. How much of the killer myth of monogamy revolves around the idea that the right romantic partner is the cure for all ills? That falling in love with someone who loves you will make everything perfect?" -- n0ire, on polyamory, a couple of hours ago

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There are 9 comments on this entry. (Reply.)

...even if you are monogamous, the idea that you have to take responsibility for those things holds true.

I am a primarily monogamous woman, but I do not expect my SO to cure all my ills, resolve all my problems, or do anything more than share his life with me. And I suspect that this has more to do with my personal values and beliefs about how I "am" in the world, than about the number (or, for that matter, gender) of my partner(s).

Further, I am sure that there are as many folks in poly who, whether they admit it or not, believe that their partners are responsible for "handling" (for lack of a better term) various parts of their happiness. Unfortunately, this just means that they are spreading the resonsibility for their happiness among a greater number of people, not taking responsibility for it themselves.

Similarly, I have been involved with monogamous men who have given me total freedom to be myself, and with poly men who have tried to make me fit into one or another kind of model.

Yes, I realize that

n0ire was making a general statement, but as a mongamous person who attempts, at least, to take responsibility for her own happiness, I wanted to drop my $.02 into the bucket.

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Not to put words into

n0ire's mouth, but I read her entry as saying that being poly makes one more likely to be aware of this, not that it's something poly guarantees or only possible with poly.

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Glenn,

And I think it's a myth that somone who is poly is more likely to be aware of it. I've met too many poly folks who, at best, give it lip service.

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I think the first sentence has an extra "don't" in there. And, check check check oh-so-check to everything expressed therein.

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I agree with otherdeb. This has nothing to do with mony or poly. This has to do with responsibility and expectations. Neither mony or poly makes you "special" or gives you "special enlightnement." They are simply relationship styles can succeed or fail based on what we bring to them.

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I think more people raised monogamous are told that one person will do it all for them. Someone who has other examples has a head start on realizing the contrary.

But, obviously, no one else is responsible for your happiness.

From A Civil Campaign By Lois McMaste Bujold:

As for happiness . . . I don't think you can give that to anyone, if they don't have it in them. However, it's certainly possible to give un-happiness—as you are finding.

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...How much of the killer myth of monogamy revolves around the idea that the right romantic partner is the cure for all ills? That falling in love with someone who loves you will make everything perfect?

That's not the killer myth of monogomy though.

There's a certain theory that basically goes something like, "Falling in love with someone is the end-all be-all end-game victory condition that everyone should aspire to achieve."

This viewpoint isn't strictly one only monogamous people subscribe to. Lots of poly people have this view, but don't limit themselves to only one "someone".

So what's the Killer Myth of Monogamy then? What is the monogamous belief that poly people laugh their asses off at?

It's that monogamous people refer to the above condition as "Living Happily Ever After".

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er. could we not tar all monogamous people with the same brush here? i make a point of trying to be sensitive to and understanding of my poly friends. it's depressing how common it is, though, for them to fail utterly to reciprocate. i am reminded of the time i was hanging out with my evil twin and his primary, and they kept gleefully referring to monogamy as "monotony" in my presence, apparently oblivious to the fact that they were being insulting. had i said anything even jokingly negative about poly, of course, they'd have been all over me with the defensiveness routine.

my policy has always been that if you want others to be accepting of you, it behooves you to be accepting of others.

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Eh, I wasn't writing that from the perspective of a poly or mony person. I was trying to report the facts.

I should have been more specific: "Happily Ever After" is what alot of literature written by people that believe in monogamy happen after finding one true and only love. I apologize for the somewhat broader brush stroke than I intended. Still, I maintain that poly people laugh their asses off at that.

I believe both sides have myths the work under. You just didn't hear me go off on the other side. In the interest of equal time, here's one:

Talk to 10 different poly people about "how poly should work" and you'll probably find 10 different versions. This is something monogamous people hear and would laugh their asses off at if it wasn't quite so sad.

I agree, in the poly community, monogamous people are often bashed as naive. Christians are often bashed by in Pagan communities in much the same way.

Please don't think I'm one of those guys just because I answered someone's question or else youre using no less of a broad brush than the one you *thought* I was.

-Joe

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